She Is An Addict

"She will ask for help, but only when it is too late – because asking for help is the hardest thing she has ever done. She is not the helped; she is the helper. She will ask for help after she has drained her family’s bank account and tried to quit on her own a hundred times. She will ask for help when she is riddled with guilt and shame, and there is nothing left to do but die or beg for tender mercies she offered so many other people. She will ask for help because she can’t see up from down anymore."

Every day I'm full of gratitude for this new clean and sober life I'm living. In order to show appreciation I write about my journey. In this post I submitted to 
www.sober mommies.com I was able to to get seriously vulnerable and the response from doing so was amazing. It is my responsibility to my family, myself and to the millions of others in recovery or seeking recovery to share my story. This is what keeps me sane, sober and helps other people just like me see it's possible. Possibility saved my life. 

"Failure is experience, strength and hope in disguise". Click on the link & Enjoy the read :)

http://sobermommies.com/she-is-an-addict/

Rock bottom hurts like hell

I found a journal entry from just over a year ago. I'm a fan of journals and their intense ability to remind me of where I came from and remind me of serious progress I can't always see in the thick of it. I'm not going to share the entry as I believe this private piece is for my eyes only, however it prompted me to write about the very darkest place I have ever in my life been. Rock Bottom.

What does it feel like to hit rock bottom? I can answer that in a million different ways. There have been many times in my life where I thought I was at the bottom. Leaving a marriage, leaving a second marriage, post partum depression, falling out with friends... but my actual rock bottom was reserved for age 35 in November of 2013. That was the bottom where I not only had to deal with the wreckage from the past but all the new wreckage I had created.

This rock bottom was different. It required pain both physical and mental in a capacity I never imagined.  Pain from every bone, nerve, being in my body. Absolute utter sickness and not just from withdrawals. Sickness and darkness from all the lies I told and the lies I told to get out of the lies I told. Secrets I kept that consumed every wrinkle in my skin and the mask I wore to put on the happy stephie face everyone expected from me. The mask I could no longer bare to wear at all. The mask I ripped off and fully anticipated would cause everyone to walk out of my life because it was missing.

You know when you're sick or just really tired and those dark circles exist around your eyes? Or the dark spots that exist in your actual eye site? Everything looks dark and you can't see the world around you like you did yesterday? This was rock bottom for me beginning in September and then every day through the entire month of December.

Rock bottom felt like I was in fact the worst of the humans that ever walked the earth. Not the kind where I knew I wasn't but just felt that way. The kind where I actually felt that way. To me there was no one and nothing worse than my existence. I couldn't see past the terrible stuff I had done. In that time frame it didn't matter what good I brought to the world or whose life I had made better, it only mattered that I had ruined myself and everyone around me. Self forgiveness is still work in progress but certainly much more present in my life.

It was beyond lonely. I was surrounded with people but isolated by anxiety and thoughts of wanting to just be done. I was not willing to take my own life but I wasn't going to fight it if my time was up and I was faced with death. I did not believe in a higher power and yet I begged as if there were one to take me from life as I was clearly unworthy of having one.

I was so consumed in the guilt and shame I missed all the family holiday traditions & good stuff  happening around me. Except I didn't. As it turned out I had to live through every second of climbing my way out of the personal hell I created to see that was the best thing I ever did to myself.

My ego had taken over. It was all about me. 

I told very few people about my problems in the beginning. I only shared a couple of short weeks after this Facebook post that I was going to quit drinking. I was so ashamed that I promised myself I would only tell the details necessary to explain why I wasn't going out to party anymore. 

Today, if you're reading this you know, my mind is changed. Today I have a victory to share with women who just like I was, are at the bottom. There is no shame in waiving your white flag, only courage. Nothing you have done is as bad as you think it is. I PROMISE. Be courageous and face it because there are people waiting for your victory and the most important person in that crowd, is you followed shortly by the still suffering addict. 

I wrote this Facebook status shortly after writing this journal entry and thanks to this magical new app called time hop I was prompted to look back at this journal entry from last year and reflect on it today.

 I am a grateful recovering addict. I have made mistakes and I have created hell for myself. I have crawled into a hole that I dug for myself and then I built a ladder and have worked hard on the journey to get out of it. Broken open and terribly bruised I stand before myself today and can happily say if we all put our problems in a pile, with God and support by my side, I will pick mine right back out.

If you need help I will guide you. If you're not sure ask. The only thing worse than not asking for help out of your rock bottom is dying inside of it. 

What it FEELS like to be 11 months sober

Holy range of emotions Batman. 11 months ago I walked into a room of strangers who opened their arms, lives and stories and taught me to accept myself and the love of all the people inside & outside of this room. I've experienced every emotion ever all in the last 5 days. HA!

I remember being 2 weeks sober. I remember  the part in the readings said "is there anyone here with less than 30 days" I was still answering "my name is Stephannie, I'm an addict". I remember the girl who was chairing, sharing her story and saying she was just under 11 months sober and then saying how hard it was. How many cravings she was having. How all she could think, dream and obsess about was her drug of choice, which happened to be mine... alcohol.

I remember thinking "holy shit, if it's as hard right now at 2 weeks as it will be in 11 months I don't know if I can do this". But I kept coming back. I got a sponsor and I continued to work the steps. Now it's my turn. Now I'm at 11 months and not only do I have a little more experience, strength and hope I also have perspective. I have never forgotten her story.

I remember thinking what the hell is 11 months going to feel like. Here it is:

Happy: Holy shit balls I have not had a drink in 11 months. 11 months ago you couldn't have convinced me I would make it this far. COULD. NOT. CONVINCE. ME.

Relieved: I didn't self sabotage.

Terrified: That tomorrow I might self sabotage.

Horrified: At the things I did. Lies I told. People I hurt. People I let hurt me because I thought I deserved that with the shameful little secret I was hiding.

Alive: Breathing, feeling and moving forward.

Sad: Shit happens. I get sad and I even get depressed. I cry and cry and sometimes I cry more. Sometimes for no reason and sometimes for big reasons. This is life right? Crying and sad happens.

Overwhelmed: I'm a mom to 3, step mom to 2, full time student, part time worker, football practice, bills, a house to manage, counseling, meetings, drivers ed, fights to break up, homework, sick kids, car problems, baby daddy drama, sensory sensitive kids, emotional teenagerisms and an incredible husband to dote on. LUXERY PROBLEMS! I have luxury real life honest hard working LUXERY PROBLEMS.

Tired: (See overwhelmed)

Jealous:  I want what my husband and friends can have. When I feel overwhelmed and tired I want to check out and have "a glass of wine". And sometimes I'm super jealous that I'm not capable of having those things.

Hopeful: For my future based on how far I've come.

Excited: About all the opportunities I've been presented and have had the pleasure of enjoying because I chose to make it through "just for today" for the last 11 months. Sometimes those days were broken down into hours. Sometimes even minutes. But they added up to 11 months. SHIT YEAH!

Lost: This is a new life. Learning to feel all these feelings all the way through brings on more feelings every day. New feelings, old feelings -they all sneak up and kick my ass. I get lost and I'm not always sure how I'll make it to a whole lifetime of sobriety.

Found: Then I take a deep breath, reach out to my people, pray (which often times  looks a lot like begging and pleading in my case) and I turn it over. I know I don't have to worry about the lifetime. I just have to get through right now. Those tools have helped me find a new me and even when it's hard I have a bookshelf of items to pull from. When I feel jealous or sad or scared or tired, I get to pull out one thing after another and re find myself again.

Does it suck that I can't enjoy a beer with my husband and friends? Yep... sometimes that sucks. Do I stomp my feet sometimes because I want to drink at a wedding... because like my kids say "IT'S NOT FAIR"... yep. Sometimes I do. But do I remember the life I left behind and why I left it there???
EVERY NIGHT WHEN I PUT MY  SOBER HEAD ON MY PILLOW- ABSO-FRICKEN-LUTELY!

Basically all of the feelings that I have always felt. Before I became an active addict then during my active addiction, all of those feelings.... I FEEL THEM. Those same feelings you have, I have. It's just that I put off growing up a little and feeling them all for a while. I spent so many years avoiding them, putting on a smile and numbing them that I "get to" experience them now. Which leads me to my favorite feeling of all - Gratitude. 

What an absolute gift everyone of these feelings have been.  

An absolute gift. 

A new kind of addiction.... And a new kind of dealing

Welcome to the first oily blogHOP!

We are so excited to have you here.

 

Make sure you keep your eyes peeled for little bottles of lemon as you read through the blog posts. At the end tally them up and you can enter a fun giveaway to win the Gentle Babies book by Debra Raybern, a total must have for Mom's with little ones.

 

If you have gone the whole way around the blog and found your way back here, go to http://www.theoilycrunchymama.com/blog/2014/8/28/lets-talk-allergies 

to enter the number of lemon bottles you counted on the whole blogHOP.

 

Entries will be accepted until 9AM (PST) on 8/29 winner will be selected at random on Sept 1st!

---------------------------------------------

Why essential oils Stephannie? For me... I relate to much of life through my senses. Smells particularly make me feel all kinds of things. Peppermint reminds me of cold winter mornings, cinnamon and spices reminds me of making applesauce with my mom, spearmint sends me back to hanging out with my girlfriends chewing gum in the car. 

For those who haven't heard yet I'm a recovering addict who works a strong 12 step program. The first time I went to my sponsors house she was steaming lavender essential oil and her house immediately felt comfortable and safe.  Since that meeting my stepwork book and journal have been heavily scented with lavender. Every time I open that book to do step work whether I'm at home or backpacking in the mountains I still smell lavendar and I'm immediately at peace like that first moment I walked into her home. It reminds me of a very personal and vulnerable night spent making a big decision with another human being- I wanted recovery. I wanted life. I wanted to feel again. 

Since that evening I have played around with the use of oils on my own skin for anxiety relief and head aches. I have successfully stopped taking my SSRI anxiety meds after 16 years and while those withdrawls were somethig else on my emotions, having my bottle of oils helped me manage the side effects. My son who is sensory sensitive has his own little bottle he rubs on his feet and hands as a method of comfort. Particularly when he's away from home it brings him a "sense" of security.

 (See what I did there)

When I saw a friend posting about all the smells from above and diffusing them in her house I felt like I needed to give it a go. I needed to see if this was something I could get into. I received my kit 3 days ago and it's basically been like a science experiment up in here. I'm having way too much fun walking down memory lane with all the smells I wrote about above and learning all I can about how to use these oils to keep my family healthy. 

My new addiction is oil. And now I'm a dealer of the goods. There will be no pressure from me to buy anything or sign up for anything. I'm doing this because I believe as a "smeller" of the world it was meant for me to experience. However, if you want to see what it's all about I'm here to help you make the right purchase for your specific needs. 

Because this post is part of a blog hop I invite you to visit this next blog to get more great ideas on how to use these amazing oils. At the bottom of this blog will be another and eventually you will make a full circle back here! Happy learning! 

http://www.theoilycrunchymama.com/blog

Here's to new beginnings with nostalgic smells! 

https://www.youngliving.com/signup/?site=US&sponsorid=2004929&enrollerid=2004929

Hey, I'm THAT mom!

This is my response to the recent blog titled "don't be that mom" .... I'm disappointed and once again ashamed of the lack of support we as moms feel from each other at times. I read that blog with high hopes. I saw that obviously staged photo of the joyous jumping mom and the sullen group of kids standing next to her. I believe I actually felt joy for that mom and perhaps a smidge looked forward to that moment of my own coming in just a couple of weeks. But then I read the article. The joy killing article about how we aren't supposed to be THAT mom. What the what?!?! Once again someone got a hold of an idea and used it to shame the hell out of all the moms out there who are doing the happy dance to celebrate the end of summer. 

Remember this commercial?

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fwcYbo7pjto

Me too. I remember laughing until tears were coming out of my eyeballs. My kids were pretty little at that time and I didn't fully grasp that concept but it was still freaking hilarious. I have this motto in life; If they make a movie, write a book or feature it on a tv series (today I include and add commercials) it must be real. It must mean I'm not the only one who has felt that way and quite honestly that's the best dam feeling in the world isn't it? To know you aren't alone in your awkward feelings. To feel less shame knowing you relate to something someone else has experienced felt or understood? YES! I live for those moments.

As it pertains to going back to school this was my first summer as a stay at home mom. It was everything I imagined. There was chaos, joy, tears, fighting, eye rolling, arguing, activities, boredom, too much tv, not enough me time and the house was a disaster. All of that happened by noon on day 2 of summer & that meant a shit ton more time of life needed to happen. I loved just about every minute of this summer with my kids. Ok, fine maybe not every moment.  But as it's winding down it's really easy for me to look backwards and see how much fun it actually was. But you know what else.... I'm so happy that in 1 week, 6 days and 9 hours all 5 of those munchkins will be tucked into their desks under the authority and love of their new teachers. And you know what else... They know it too. They know it because they feel the same way. When I told my 7 year old school was just under 2 weeks away he said these exact words "I'm so happy and excited I could cry right now"!!!! Me too buddy. Me too.

In school there is routine, bed time, regular chores, hot lunches and scheduled snacks, friends, the absence of parents breathing down their little tan sun kissed necks, activities, less tv, and did I mention routine. Kids and parents alike thrive off of that routine. We need school to be back in session so that by winter break we all miss each other and can handle another round of "OMG our mom isn't working and is trying to run this house like Pinterest and Activities on caffeine mania". Having the kids at school means I can fill my pinterest board with the next round of ideas and have just enough amnesia to think they will do it willingly, without eye rolling and joy in their hearts that I am home for them. 

My 11 year old did mutter under his breath recently " I just wish you still worked" as we were leaving the house singing camp songs I learned as a child. Just kidding, I was screaming at the kids because no one was listening and when we got to the park I sat in the car on my phone the whole time because why??? Because I needed a freaking break.

So cheers... to the kids and to the moms who like me are "Being THAT mom" and welcoming back the school year with open arms, and admittadly a few tears in our eyes to see those pesky little rug rats growing up. Wipe those tears and go collapse on the couch Moms & dads! DO IT! You earned that summer badge of honor. WE ARE SURVIVORS! 

And to "THAT" mom who got ragged on, girl you are my hero. My kids would never stand still for that picture. SELFIE!!!!!

How will I ever have fun again?

9 months ago I asked myself and even my husband that very question. I assumed at that point I was only having fun if I was drunk. I didn't call it drunk of course, I called it having a beer and I did it often. I pre partied the pre party to the pre party so that by the time the party started it was a real party. And by the time the party was over ... Well I don't remember that really. 

I got sober because my drunk turned out to not be funny or very much fun to the people around me.

After pouting around the house sober for the entire month of December I decided to give this fun thing a go. I was hell bent on faking it, I decided to use my new eyes with my same heart and find the fun in this new life. Moms, sisters, friends, aunts & people I knew did it every day. People who were "normies" and people who were addicts in recovery shared all their fun sober stories all the time. 

Mostly people didn't call them 

"sober stories"... Just stories. 

That's the thing about recovery - if you pay attention you learn really quick that you aren't special. Well YOU are special, but there's nothing special about your story. As I heard this message over and over, that other people felt like fun was out of the question once sober. I szarted to realize that MY story in fact was not very special, and maybe it was possible to have fun sober stories like all the others.

To mark my 9 months of a life I was so sure I would not have any fun living, I'm sharing with you some of my greatest moments of being dead wrong. I have laughed harder than I knew I could, louder and more obnoxiously than I knew possible, and that smile on my face  Is 100% genuine -100% of the time it's there. I now have the gift of feeling all the feelings. Sometimes that down right sucks, but the good times are better than anything imaginable because all of those feelings are real. 

1-I played in the snow with my kids. We were stuck in our house for 3 days and had serious cabin fever. We all almost killed each other and I felt every feeling in the book those three days. But when I saw the fun my kids had outside in the snow and decided to join them without an excuse to have a warm liquored up drink... I just laughed. I threw snow at them until there was a lot of crying and we had to go in. 

2- I went to my besties 40th birthday. I didn't drink. I gave her a lap dance. Oh it was embarrassing for her but you know what it wasn't???? Me falling all over the place not realizing it was time to stop a long time ago. 

 

3- I went away for my anniversary and melted chocolate all over the bed. Troy and I laughed hysterically and hid from the maids because we were sure they'd think one of us had pooped. So. Much. Laughing. Plus it beats getting drunk and actually pooping the bed. I'm not saying I've done that... I'm just saying that day could have come right?! 

 

4- I went on huge scary rides and laughed so hard I screamed and cried from the rush and excitement. This was a day that I will never ever forget ever. Ever. My stomach hurt from laughing so hard. 

 

5- I went to an entire girls weekend sober. Not only was I sober but these 8 incredible women who I refer to as "normies", went sober with me. It was more important for them to have my company than for me to cancel because I wasn't ready to be around alcohol yet. One of these ladies hadn't even met me yet. All of these ladies, whether I talk to them often or not are all my soul sisters now. They changed my life and my recovery during this weekend. They may never know the impact this experience and that group decision to make it a dry weekend had on me. 

 

6- I'm a party girl. So figuring out what to do on my birthday was going to be difficult. When I saw this run for a little niece of a friend with cancer that involved tu tus I knew it was meant for my crowd. So again with these incredible girlfriends and my husband all getting up early and running a beautiful 5k for a beautiful little girl. And tu tus!!!!!

 

7- I went backpacking and camping for the first time ever alcohol free.  Drum roll please... I really liked it. It was hard work hiking in with all those extra pounds on my back and my super durpy dog who tried to jump off the side of the mountain after every bug and animal in site. At the end of the trail when I'd normally have a cold one or 7, my reward was rest, stepwork and a lot of peaceful amazing conversation with my love in a freaking meadow.  (Which of course included so much laughing.) 

8- I ran a relay! This was my 5th overnight relay and the first where I didn't down a beer or 4 after any of my 3 legs that added up to 17 miles or in between when I needed sleep. Nope folks... This is genuine tired Stephie juice passed out from just plain running. I used this picture to show off my sense of humor these days. I could have picked the ones of me running, laughing and looking bad ass but this is the story of how much fun I'm having. So this seemed more fitting.

 

There were so many more experiences that I had this last 9 months. So much time spent alone, with my love, creating tighter bonds with my kids, nurturing amazing relationships with girlfriends and making new friends. Taking on a new job and many new projects within that job. Taking care of my mind, body & spirit thru stepwork, exercise and creating a relationship and plan with 

an incredible Doctor.

 When it gets hard, and it still does,  I just look back at the distance I've come 

rather than forward to see how much there is to go. 

Here's a short video of more of these moments. Yes that's Kanye West singing in the background. This song has a special dorky place in my heart.  http://flipagram.com/f/GKzp2Sae1K

A wise sole who has been in recovery for several years told me recently

 "It gets easier. And the rewards 

get more magical.

 The challenges are never what you expect. 

But the opportunity to squeeze two life stories

 into one walk on this earth is priceless."  

This is my motto. This is my truth. 

And this is how I am living my best life while having a shit ton of fun!

A real life break up letter... It's not you, it's me

7/23/14

Dear Anti Depressant,

I want you to know that the last 16 years with you has been life changing. We first met shortly after my daughter was born and I couldn't quite pull myself off the bathroom floor at 3am every morning when that screaming baby needed to eat again. I couldn't figure out how to manage life as a new mom or even as a mom at all. I was constantly sweating, crying, leaking milk and puting on a smile for the world to see how joyful this motherhood thing was, even though it wasn't, until I couldn't do it anymore.

My doctor introduced us & right away you were there for me. You didn't even have to say anything because just your presense made me feel whole again. It's not that you made me suddenly love the 3am feedings and the fact that my nipples were bleeding from incorrect nursing, but you made me feel like it was managable. The tears still came but my heart was in the moment and The feelings felt more like separate feelings rather than one giant black cloud of why am I still alive. 

When I figured out motherhood (Psh... who figures out motherhood) and as sweet baby girl got bigger and we both stopped crying as much you and I conquered the world. Together we survived my family moving out of state, separation, divorce, more babies, more marriage, more separation and more divorce. You even stuck by me thru my entire active addiction. And honestly that's kind of where things get a little sticky for us.

You see, every time my anxiety increased you did too. Doc said "You need more" and so more I took. Until there wasn't more of you to take. And when my anxiety was so too far out of control I couldn't wrap my head around it anymore & it was suggested I switch to a new kind of you. Your cousins were all in the line up but I remained faithful to and decided instead to cut out alcohol. So you held my hand through some of the hardest moments, days and months of my life. The ones where I got so real with myself that at some point I realized that maybe I don't actually need you anymore. I came to the realization that maybe all that anxiety I had now that the baby blues had cleared up was because of all the other things I was medicating my body with. Now that those were gone and I was finally dealing with reality it was time to deal with you.

As great as you have been there were a few red flags I'd like to point out that had me question our relationship along the way.

• I couldn't quit you. Literally. If I missed a dose you reminded me by sending these crazy electrical currents at a million watt voltage through my brain and body. My anxiety increased to a million times worse than anything I remember feeling to begin with and often ended in sobbing panic attacks in any given place at any given moment.
• You were a little bit controlling. The longer we spent time together the more you would want to be around. What started as a 15mg dosage increased over the years to the maximum dose of 60mg per day. Every time I tried to go down in dosage the previous complaint came back around. 
• I eventually felt lonely and helpless against your powers. Like I couldn't leave you. Like I couldn't do it with out you. You as a tiny little white pill small in diameter were controlling my daily life and this is when I knew it had to end.

I know that you are capable of great things and helping a great portion of this population suffering from anxiety and depression. I feel like we are just at two different places in our lives. I know that you will and probably already have moved on despite your lingering "hang over" like side effects looming in my brain after weaning off for 4 months and finally finishing 12 days ago. I know that you did great things for me and saw me through so much in life. This is why it's important to say - 

It's not you. It's me.

Thank you for 16 years of your time, co pays and reminders I had forgotten you at home on a vacation. Thank you for being my little white buddy through all the trials and thank you for helping me get to the other side of many life events. 

Please don't call, text, email or find me on any social networking site. I don't want to stay friends. 

I love you, I'm just not in love with you.  

Stephie Juice 

How To Not Be Fat

I'm a 36 year old American woman. It's safe to say I've tried every single diet, pill, exercise program and self punishing method possible to lose weight and look like the girls in the magazines.

 In the 90's besides straight up starving myself I used all the best ephedra pills before they were illegal, Tae Boe with Billy Blanks, Claudia Shaffers work out videos, and even some jazzercise. Later in the 2000's I'd move on from starving myself to bulimia, weight watchers, running, every gym membership known to man, hydroxy cut, calorie counting, calorie cutting, more weight watchers, more running, more videos, at home business products, 30 day challenges, eating clean, cabbage soup, cleanses, portion controls...you name it, I've done it. 

Since giving birth to my first child 16 years ago I have successfully ballooned up and down between 140-180. I'd like to say it's because none of these methods were working, but in reality a lot of them did work. I didn't work hard enough. Or long enough. Or eventually I just gave up. I'd find myself making one mistake or several in a row and instead of getting back on the horse I'd opt for standing in front of the fridge shoveling food in non stop.

In November of 2013 I completely gave up the bulimia. I hadn't really participated in that method for a few years but it would still sneak up on occasion. Bulimia is really more about that little voice in your head that says "failure" than it is about the weight loss. Bulimia is the evil devil on your shoulder that reminds you of the things you can't do right. When I surrendered to a sober life I decided that had to include this terribly unhealthy tactic. It wasn't that easy, there was and still is a lot of work involved in quieting that little devil but like the alcohol, it was necessary to get rid of. My clean and sober date includes purging and that is something I'm very proud of.

As I sit here at the doors of summer knocking I can't help but think of how the last several 30 and 90 day online challenges were a complete bust for me. I was supposed to be summer ready with the body I wanted by now according to those challenges. Alas, I am my own worst enemy and because I was so afraid of failing I self sabotaged and took myself out. "IT" wasn't working, but in reality I stopped working. So here I am thinking... wow that 150 pounds I was bitching about last fall sure looks good now that the scale says 180.

It was time to take a good hard look at what was and wasn't working, which is never easy. Here are the things I thought about: For the last 30 pound weight gain I have eaten some amazing food, continued to run 3 plus miles several times a week, kept up with my kids, stayed active at the gym, got sober, kept up an incredible GPA in school, got the help for me and my littlest little we needed, set healthy boundaries with a lot of people, started a blog and learned how to forgive myself for so many things... except for the detail that I couldn't pull it together enough to remain a size 8 or smaller.

What the actual hell is wrong with me? FORGIVE myself? For not being a size 8 or smaller? I did all of these hard things for the last 8 months that required so much of my many super powers and I'm stressed because I'm a size 14?  My husband sure doesn't mind, in fact I'm pretty sure he's more attracted to me with all this extra padding. I haven't had any friends say "well steph, now that you're a size -whatever- this friendship can't continue, give me a call when you make it back to a size 8".

I am active in my community of friends and interneting in stopping the body shaming game. Yet, I couldn't apply it to myself. SO.... now that I know this, what do I do? I can't just change 36 years of thinking. But just like I do with my recovery I have to go one step at a time. If I look too far down the road it's overwhelming so here's Stephie Juices new plan... on how to not be fat...

1. I bought clothes. Not fat clothes. Not bigger clothes. I went to Old Navy and bought clothes. Clothes that fit and feel good and that I like to wear. Shorts and summer tank tops kinds of clothes. The size may be a little higher numbered than the last but thank goodness they sell them even bigger. Because no matter what size I am, I deserve to feel comfortable, confident and at times , wait for it... Sexy :)
2. I will eat food I like. Sometimes it will have more calories in it. Sometimes it won't be in moderation. I will not deprive myself of food in an effort to continue to feel like shit about myself through body shaming at a smaller size. Because that will happen. I won't eat that cheese cake slice and then I'll be a size 8 still not eating cheese cake wishing I was a size 6. 
3. I will continue to go to the gym and get strong. I will do this because it's good for my heart and because it's often a time I spend laughing with my friends and kids. Better yet, because I like to surprise the hell out of people with my 9.5 minute miles. My legs and body are strong no matter what size they are. And who regrets going to the gym when they are done? 
4. I will stop using the "f" word like it's shameful. Fat Fat Fat Fat. We all have it, it doesn't mean we are it. Like the saying goes, you have fingernails you aren't fingernails :)
5. Unless you tell me you are working hard to lose weight I will not compliment you on your weight loss. Why? Because if I just randomly say to people "you look like youve lost weight" and they haven't been trying... it continues to put it out there that weight loss is what we want in this world. And what we really want, or at least what I really want, is to feel good in my own skin.
6. I won't actively work to gain weight, but I will actively work to feel good inside about the things I have accomplished. I might miss the message if I don't. I worked so dam hard this year for so many things (listed above). Everytime I bitched in my head about my weight and how I failed at the last plan, I missed the opportunity to celebrate some of that amazingness. 
7. When I forget everything above I will pray about it, hand it over and move on. Period. I have already proven I'm not good at this letting go and not body shaming business, so if I hand it over to someone else it can stop being my problem :) 

We only get to do this once. How can we expect anyone else to love us if we don't love ourselves? If we don't truly love ourselves and recognize in us what exists. Who I am is more important than what weight I am.

And this is how I will start not being fat. 

The Moments we Live For

This week I attended an event where I was recognized for my hard work in school. I know most of you who are reading this know that because I haven't shut up about it. I'm excited on a million levels because I didn't just get amazing grades... For a couple of hours a voice shut off inside me that hasn't been silent in ... Well I have no idea how long.

The voice that said I couldn't do it. 

The voice that reminded me in high school I was voted most likely to drop out of college. Joke or not it was printed in our senior paper. It has stuck with me for nearly 20 years. 

The voice of my ex husband who called me "nothing but a college drop out" or "a lying attention seeker" in his nicest hour and a "slut" at his worst.  

The voice who only remembers the times I've been short tempered at bed time when the kids get up for the 500th time because they "have a question" and I go to bed feeling like all I did was make their life hard. 

The voice whose heart is breaking amidst her own family drama trying to figure out what I can do different and how I can be everything to everyone and still be me. 

The voice that reminds me all the time that just because you got an A this time doesn't mean shit. Any minute now they will figure you out and that A will be an F. 

The voice that second guesses everything I've done in my life. 

The one that says of course you got 6 months sober. You fucked it up. You should never have gotten so out of control. 

The voice that has an excuse and a reason to dismiss anything and everything worth celebrating. 

The voice that says I will and can't be anything. That I'm too fat after a childhood of being too skinny. That I said it in the wrong tone or with the wrong expression. That I say too much to too many people and not enough to others. That it's too hard, too fast, too slow, too scary, too expensive too too too too...

For one hour it was perfect and quiet. 

All of the sudden in the middle of it all I realized in this room full of people all that existed was me and my 3 proud kids. And this was our moment. After years of me doing my best for them and constantly disappointing myself I looked at them beaming at me while I stood with my rose and my candle and I started crying. Ugly crying.  As I walked back to my seat my kids were perfectly still, smiling, reaching out to hug me and taking pictures. It was our moment. And that voice knew it. 

As the audience erupted into applause the speaker announced cake and within moments my boys were fist fighting and my girl was wandering and life came back full force. 

I have searched for this silence for months. Thru sobriety, meditation, yoga, running, writing, step work, counseling, sleeping and anything plus everything in between. I would pay and do anything for this to go away and I earned it by being me. 

What does your voice tell you? When are we enough for ourselves? When do we put down our walls and allow ourselves the grace and congratulations we deserve?

Tonight I realized its time for me to set my own stage. To allow myself the victories. To drown out the voice and take in the moments. Before it's too late... Create your stage. 

Late that night when looking thru the pictures my girl took of all the amazing feelings and events that happened, I found this one. This is right when my eyes welled up with tears. This was THAT moment I talked about above, when I realized I had it all. Someone was looking out for me & wanted me to remember this moment forever.

Message received.

Dear 35- Go home, you're drunk....

 

Dear 35...

Right here in this picture, you are already too drunk. Don't worry you will have several more on this night and you will have a good time. Right about now you know in your own head alone, you have a problem but you're just going to go ahead and keep going hard for about 6 more months before you stop.

35 is going to both kick your ass and be kick ass. Here are a few highlights. 

• You realized early on you had a problem and that was scary. So you went ahead and ignored it by making it worse for about 6 more months. That's ok, because you survived it THIS TIME. You will learn how lucky you are because there were moments you weren't even sure that surviving was something you wanted. This will surprise the hell out of a lot of people because that happy face you put on is a bit of a trickster. 

• You will learn the meaning of asshole. You will have first hand experience at acting like one, being one and living that behavior. You will have a new appreciation for some of the assholes who left because it turns out, that just like you, they weren't assholes all the time. They were human. They gave you good things. And it was just time to move on. 

• You will forgive deeply. Yourself. The others. YOURSELF. First the shame and the guilt. Then all the forgiveness. 

• You will stop the lying. You will become the opposite of a liar and will tell the world your story. And because of your honestly you will connect with people who need you. They don't realize yet how much their story is doing the same for you because it took a while for you to understand that concept. But together you will kick ass in sober land.

• You will leave your job of 14 years at a large corporation to be a stay at home mom. You will realize quickly being a stay at home mom, is not staying at home at all. It should be called "stay away from home because you're now the personal assistant for the family" mom. You love it. You love every second of it. 

• You aren't a good housekeeper or a good cook. You now know this because the excuse of "I work and don't really have time" goes out the window and the house is still a mess. Plus your kids will say things like "Do we ever eat anything besides pizza and spaghetti".  But you're going to go ahead and just embrace that shit because there is way too much fun to be had in this world to spend it house keeping and cooking. 

• You will realize and then forget and then realize and then forget that your husband kicks a whole lot of ass. Because this whole list and more is what he has to put up with. And he still loves you through it. He is your biggest cheerleader. He is your forever. And though you always knew that... all of this will show you both how much love truly conquers all. 

YOU HAVE THE MOST INCREDIBLE SUPPORT SYSTEM IN THE WORLD! PERIOD!

• OMG you are totally going to finally start that blog you have been talking about starting. In fact, you're doing it right now. 

• Running and diet really do help anxiety. I know, we tried to deny it for years. We wanted a magic pill but the magic pills didn't work. They in fact did a little bit more damage than expected.

• You are going to learn that even 5.5 months into sobriety you are still going to have days where all you want is a drink. And you want to be able to do it like your friends. Or like you used to. You can taste, smell and feel the warmness of a good IPA. But you know what that life looks like. And you will take another 24 with the support of your people. In and out of the program.

• Gratitude. You will learn your own true definition of gratitude. Not the one in Websters, Wikipedia, Google or even the Urban Dictionary. Your very own special meaning of gratitude. You won't ever really be able to define it because it changes almost every day and sometimes multiple times a day. Your gratitude is your life. And your list grows with every single good, bad and indifferent experience.

So drink away sweet 35 year old Stephie. The inside hurts right now but in 6 months you are going to do the bravest, scariest, hardest thing you have ever done. You are going to ask for help. You are going to make amends. You are going to move forward and though it's not going to always feel good or be easy, you are going to start living life on lifes terms. And that will be the greatest gift you can give birthday #36!

Gratitudy Gratitude

In celebration of my 5 months of doing the next right thing, getting thru each just for today & making it right here, right now by being in the solution...

 Imma go ahead and share my gratitude list with ya'll. 

  I still struggle today. I am stronger, dam I am so much stronger than that broken girl 5 months ago. But every single day I make a choice not to pick up, sometimes several times a day.  1 drink today will look much different 5 more months down the road. And let's be honest I already did that thing where I made an exception and pushed limits and boundaries until I hit the bottom of the pavement floor hard. So ... No More "Just One Beer" for Stephie Juice.

1 is too many and 1000 is NEVER enough :)

April 6, 2014 Gratitude List

1. My People: The ones who inhabit my home. The littles who celebrate me and the husband who adores me. The ones who have literally seen me broken and lift me up every single day. My hubs who has gone thru every emotional moment of this with me and still he's here with me. Never once ready to pack up and leave. And every moment supporting me continuing to stay home and go to school.
2. My Blood: Mama, Daddy & sisters. Who push me. Literally & figuratively.
3. My Homies: The ones who have been there. Even when they haven't been right here. They've been there. And they know who they are. 
4. My recovery group: The program, the people, my sponsor, the service work, the books. The acceptance and the love. The confirmation that one addict helping another is what it's all about.
5. This here blog. Where people make a choice to read it.
6. My new job!!!!! 
7. The ability to make a choice whether I want to run or not. 1 mile, 3 miles or not at all.
8. My health. 
9. School. Even if I feel super dum today because I'm super confused. I get to be there.
10. People from my past. Because at some point it was exactly what I wanted and I couldn't be right here right now without those valuable lessons. (Please remind me of this later)
11. Laughter and a sense of humor. I can pretty much find it in any situation. And though it was broken for a little bit I had numbers 1,2,3 & 4 above reminding me to do it. 
12. My bottom. I like my butt. It's one of the only things I like.
13. My other bottom. Who knows where the hell I'd be right now if I hadn't hit it so hard.
14. My luxuries. This includes my home, car, food and makeup. Yep. Those are my luxuries.
15.  I have everything to live for and everything to lose, and I am grateful to be clear headed in this moment right now refusing to take it for granted.

And with that... I will take another 24 :)

-If you or someone you know needs help with any kind or form of addiction please reach out to me so I can point you in the right direction. You are not alone.

11 Crazy ways I know I'm doing it right!

I have read so many blogs lately titled "10 Things"... to say to your kid, to build your child's confidence, to do instead of yelling, to say I love you to your kids... etc etc etc. I love my kids. I adore them to itty bitty pieces. AND THEY DRIVE ME CRAZY! More people should talk about how their kids make them crazy and how as parents we occasionally, or often, make mistakes. Even in those mistakes our children are loved, adored, happy, confident and feel complete in our family. So for your pleasure, and with pictures included I give you:

11 crazy ways I know I'm DOING IT RIGHT!

1- When they are sick we take care of them. Even when we clean up their blue puke from the ice cream and we dry heave, eyes watering and we hate every second of it. Even when they ask for a wet towel that will likely be shoved behind the couch and mold before we remember it's there.

You're doing it right if you do whatever it takes to make them feel better.

2- I'm doing it right... when I get to the doctor after days of "should we go? Should we go now?" He's been laying around, with a fever, that cough is worse... then we get to the clinic and it's all energy and smiles.  

If your kid goes crazy at the doctor making you look like a liar, YOU ARE DOING IT RIGHT!

 

3- When my boys express themselves in a way that makes them confident and comfortable I'm doing it right. Yep my boys wear cheetah/zebra sleep masks. One of them went through a phase where he wanted to be just like his big sister so he wore only pink rain boots with hearts. Both my boys have gone through a phase where the only thing they wore out of the house to the farmers market and grocery store were old Halloween costumes. I have ran errands with an alligator, pirate, Batman, knight, Spiderman and did I mention alligator? 

You're doing it right if your babies wear some cray cray shiz and you know it's just a phase. 

(Note in the picture below, Little one went through a phase where he wore one motorcycle glove Michael Jackson style)

 

4- You're doing it right if you teach your kids all the best moves. Running man, roger rabbit, raise the roof & clicky heals. Straight up you've been served on South Park style. It's fun. And it embarrasses the hell out of them. Which is even more proof you're doing it right.

 

5- You go to the library and check out the books they want to read. Sometimes it's a book on worms (ask me anything about worms, I can tell you), sometimes it's the same dam book you've read a hundred thousand times (if I have to read "Butter Battle Book" one more time) and sometimes it's a Bieber Fever book. 

Oh... And you always return them late meaning your kids library card generally has a minimum fine amount of $12. 

If you're kid has a constant fine due at the library and they don't even drive, 

YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT!

 

6-  You're doing it right if Your kids duke it out in public, And now instead of breaking it up, you take pictures first. Because one of them is in his pajamas in public too. And that's my life right there. 

7- You're doing it right when your kid writes out his first two words without asking for help.  

Even though they aren't the words you would choose, who am I kidding I love that he picked "boob" & "poop",  you take a picture and blast it on the social networking site of your choice. 

You do this because "OMG! He did it on his own!" And that in itself is a miracle. 

     

8- You're doing it right if you do whatever it takes to  get your kids on the bus with a smile. Including circus tricks, sweet dance moves, opera singing, gangsta rap & setting up the over sized stuffed animal in the window. It feels creepy and looks creepy but its what worked. This time. 

 

8- You're doing it right if when a skunk invades camp & you make your 16 year old get rid of it so you can snap pics of your sweet little mama's boys after they jumped on the table. 

They thought it was a bear. 

 

9- You're doing it right if you break the rules once in a while. It doesn't seem fair that everyone else gets to ride the water slide just because they can swim. So you wait at the bottom of the slide and sneakily keep the little from drowning at the bottom. 

9- You're doing it right if you've counted out 100 items , countless times for the 100th day of school. And you loathe it. It's exhausting and annoying and you still do it the 5th time around.

 

10- You're doing it right if  countless hours you can never get back 

have been spent at the giant mouse of chaos. 

At some point you realize this means 5 minutes to yourself. And shortly after the 15th meltdown you begin to realize you just spent $50 for a 10 cent prize and a headache. So the 5 minutes is no longer worth it. AND YOU KEEP COMING BACK!

 

11- You're doing it right if you do everything you can to bring them joy. Even though ten minutes after this picture was taken there was screaming, yelling and tears... And that was just from me, the moments of peace and joy is what we live for. Batman, banana boy and their 3 sisters are worth every bit of it. Usually. But that's why most of us parents are getting therapy. 

 

 I promise you you're making mistakes. I also promise, and I've said this before, the thing you think you're doing to screw up your kids is not the thing that's screwing them up. We don't actually know what that thing is until they are in their 20's and lay it all out like a cold hard truth. My mom always thought it was her lack of patience with me as a single mom but it was actually the fact that she made me clean my bathroom . The nerve. You got this moms and dads. YOU GOT THIS!

Why I told the world my dirty little secret...

There was a time not so long ago that I was a very secretive person. I know, me secretive? CRAZY RIGHT?! Not necessarily about everything but about some very important things. In October I decided to share my secrets with some people who are very close to me and who love me very much. Then in November I decided to share a little bit with the world, well Facebook. I let the world know that I was in fact an addict and was seeking recovery.

Because it was so secretive and I worked so hard to keep it that way for way too long it was confusing and difficult for some people to understand. I have heard that I made some people question their own decisions because from what they could tell, we shared the same patterns and hobbies at what appeared to be the same frequency. Some people have even flat out told me that I'm not an alcoholic/addict which is interesting for a multitude of reasons.

There are many details of my life and addiction that I'm not willing to discuss. I'm just over four months into this new life and the tell all book will take a few more years to come out, IF EVER. But there are a few key components I want to share with you because as I have learned in this process, I AM NOT ALONE. And if I'm not alone in my feelings and in my recovery, then I also couldn't be the only secret addict out there RIGHT? Here are three reasons I told my secret. 

1- I was scared. Scared of where I was, scared of what you would think, scared to quit & scared to keep going. I assumed the worst would happen. Whatever you're thinking is the worst ... I magnified it by 1000. But one quote that has forever stuck with me that got me thru those private conversations with my loved ones and into that first meeting & when I "came out" on Facebook... "Secrets lose their powers once told"- Mya Angelou. 

I did lose friends. I left friends. And a lot of people were disappointed in me. But here I am 4 months later showing myself I can do this just for today. And all those things I was terrified of weren't nearly as difficult as if I had kept going. 

2- There is no greater power than one addict helping another. Period. No matter your drug of choice: alcohol, heroine, pills, meth... I can hear it. Because our journey may be different, our experiences may seem worlds apart, our stories may be on a different timeline BUT I have felt the feelings of shame, fear and guilt. I have been to my bottom. And even if our bottoms look different (literally and figuratively), it feels similar. Overwhelming with darkness and fear. Darkness and fear is a recipe for disaster for the still suffering addict. The bravest thing you can do is ask for help. One of the best things I have heard in a meeting is "try it for at least 30 days and if you don't like it we can refund your misery".Genious. 

If you are here and you don't know what to do next, ask. I did just exactly that. I reached out to someone open about their recovery and asked what to do. Rarely do I talk to this person and still I think they may have helped save my joy in life. Maybe even my life. 

3- I need support. I need to be encouraged. I need the high five when I accomplish something. It's a human need that many of us have. I know it's confusing because I hid so much of my addiction from the world. I was functioning in an amazing job with a lot of friends, and an incredible family who I have a ton of gratitude for when I dropped the "I have a problem" conversation on. Please don't feel obligated to encourage me just know that when I tell the world about an accomplishment it's not to seek attention it's to seek encouragement. 

Finally I want to share the following little video that I'd encourage you to watch if you have just a few minutes. Even the first few minutes are amazing. It may change your outlook and it may just change your life. 

http://www.ted.com/talks/ash_beckham_we_re_all_hiding_something_let_s_find_the_courage_to_open_up

I have so much Gratitude for all the people who are accepting, encouraging and supporting me. Thank you for reading this blog. Starting a blog was on my bucket list for years, and it took getting sober to also get courageous enough to finally do it. I guess telling the world you're secret will do that. ;) 

How Womens Studies Changed My Life

In honor of Women's Day 2014 I've decided to swallow my pride and admit I was wrong. That's pretty big stuff for me. I'm on a campaign of being right in my life and so me saying I'm wrong is like ... Well... Saying I'm wrong. But I am.

I signed up for women's studies expecting a few things:
1- to understand my sisters interpretation of the world as an active feminist
2- to get my humanities credits
3- and to receive what I thought would be an easy A.
 I felt going into this class I already had a good handle on my feminist ways. Of course I believe in women's rights. I always taught my kids to use the word vagina. And I totally would have voted for Hillary Clinton. Now if you're a feminist don't worry... I'm not still this ignorant. 

The first few weeks of class made me crazy. I wanted to punch so many women in the face for acting so victimy. I'm sorry your childhood sucked and yeah...men can be real dicks, but so are you... Are just a few things that crossed my mind. "Like I'm not a part of a few statistics but you don't hear me whining like a little vagina do you?" (This thought actually went thru my judgy little head)  I'd leave class so angry that I paid money to sit thru this class for an entire term. 

The moment it changed for me it really changed my life. Around week 5 I just decided to go into class and accept everything I heard. I would Listen for the lesson. And guess what the hell happened ???  I got slapped in the face with a big fat lesson. And they were all lessons I was a preacher of in real life.
1-Here I was judging and victimizing myself to people who were being judgy and victimy. Ummmmm helloooooo Stephie Juice. You're doing what you were publicly screaming you hated.

2- I constantly preach about supporting each other. How especially as women, moms, sister, wives, ex wives and every other role we owe it to each other to listen and respect each others struggles even if we don't get it because if we won't do it for others, how can we expect people to do it for us.

So for the rest of the quarter I put down my boxing gloves, stepped off my soap box and made a conscious decision to just listen and respect the women in my class. Respect each others journey in hopes we all make it out stronger and better for where we have been.

The learning letters of the quarter were P- for patience. L- for listen.
And S- for shut the hell up Steph, it's not all about you.

Too Many Loud Voices

It's been a rough one. Today was one of THOSE days that didn't start out that way but slowly found myself on the downhill slope to cray cray town. I intended to write my post tonight about my struggling addict who screamed at me all afternoon over the voice that reminded me I have 111 days. 

I will never drink again. I know this not with a cocky attitude but with a confident one. I made a decision 111 days ago that I intend to see thru the rest of my life. But that doesn't mean it's easy. 

My day was only beginning when the voice came back. It said "a drink sounds nice don't it stephy?"...  My addict voice doesn't always use the best grammar. My addict reminded me of what a shitty mom I am. And how I let so many people down when I outed my secrets. How much hurt and damage I did to others and myself. But alas my addict wasn't the loudest voice today. 

My 7 year old was. It all started when he was hungry. It's amazing how this child hungry turns into something so angry and mean in ten seconds flat. I tried to sit thru my older sons basketball practice where I'm so awe inspired by another mom and her patience and calming voice with her autistic son. She obviously has years of practice and probably doesn't even know I'm staring at her for good reasons- hanging on her every word, so envious while my son head butts me continuously. I end up having to drag, literally drag, my 7 year old out to the car where on the way he kicks me so hard I now have a welt on my left ankle. He does that dead weight thing toddlers do during tantrums and because he's 7 it turns into more of a calorie burning workout drag thing, than a carry. For 30 minutes he screams in my face in the car about how he hates me because I'm mean. I'm mean? I do this deep breathing exercise and remind myself it will pass... I try to remember what he must be feeling inside is ten thousand times worse than what I'm experiencing on my end. Now I've been told, by several people, that a good spanking is what he needs. And that's all I'm going to say about that. Please don't go there with me. I assure you it's not. 

By the time we get home he's calm and apologizing then goes to his room for time out consequences. And I'm left crying. Again. When my 15 year old comes and says "mama, go take a bath and relax. Read a book. I got this"... And I cry even harder. Because I forgot two things:

1- it's ok to ask for help

2- my addict was silenced by my 7 year old. Even that grammar crazy addict has nothing to say to him sometimes. 

Most importantly I remembered... It's going to be ok. 

Remember my peeps ... It's always going to be ok. Enter profound famous quote here. 

One more just for today in the books. 

7 important lessons from the permanent marker death threat on my wall

I was a little surprised to find out that my well behaved though sometimes sneaky 11 year old son was the perpetrator in this crime. He's the one who gets in to trouble for things like ignoring me, "forgetting" to do something or as I may have mentioned, ignoring me. When I asked him why he chose to use the door and a permanent marker to threaten his brother his response was "I guess I wasn't thinking". Initially I was outright pissed. I sent him to bed and told him he was grounded. Then muttered a few classic mom statements while leaving his room during which he listened, responded respectfully but didn't really react. Then I did the guilt thing. You know, what did I do wrong? How could this happen? I'm losing control of my household! He's going to be 17 and sentenced to prison for 45 years before he even becomes an adult! Deep breath.

Once I discovered how to get it off the wall thanks to a Facebook post and another genius mom who suffered through a similar experience. Though her daughter is 3 and I seriously doubt it was in death threat form, she also suggested I not wait to have him do it. It's midnight, he was sleeping and so I set off to clean up HIS mistake. HIS mess. And how was this going to teach him anything?  I realized at some point in the process there were a lot of lessons for me in this experience.

1- A combination of scribbling dry erase marker over the top, dry wiping with a towel, then wet wiping with a magic eraser is the miracle combination. You're welcome.

2- Kids aren't very smart sometimes. He used his actual name. He said who it was to and who it was from. And in my most angry moment when discovering it I asked my husband "who did this!?"  So I guess I'm not very smart either sometimes.

3- This was definitely an attention seeking act. He's so busy with all of his new friends. I'm so busy with school work. When we are under the same roof, his brother with some special requirements to maintain good behavior gets most of my attention. Negative and positive behaviors from his little brother who happens to be on the receiving end of the death threat gets ALL my attention. And it's not that I don't know this. In fact a lot of nights I'm exhausted and miss the opportunity to tuck 11 year old in before he falls asleep because of the specific routine the littlest requires. Priority number 1 tomorrow will be to spend some time with 11 year old.

4- We really need to work on grammar. The difference between your & you're and close and clothes. For good measure we will also cover there, they're and their. And a well rounded lesson on punctuation.  We will have plenty of time to do this now that he's grounded from life.

5- Karma is a bitch. I spilled nail polish in my moms sink. Repeatedly ruined her towels with my hair dye. And left my food to rot in my room when I went back to college after a long weekend at home. I can only keep my fingers crossed that a future conversation with Cooper 25 years down the road will sound like this:
Him: Mom, I don't know what to do. Little man spray painted the side of my brand new car.
Me: Oh honey I'm sorry. Try a dry erase marker. Papa and I are watching wheel of fortune so text me and let me know how that works out for you.

6- Kids these days have it easy. When I was grounded I didn't get to go outside unless I was weeding the garden. I had my bike taken away and stayed in my room. Now days when grounding occurs it's no anything that plugs into the wall. The biggest fits get thrown over "all there is to do is ride my bike and play board games." Cry me a river and go get some exercise. 

7- I love that kid so much. There isn't one single thing he could do that could make me not love him or love him any less. Truth is when they are grounded they talk to me more, snuggle more, laugh more and by the end of the grounding it seems like we are closer. This isn't a new realization it's just something I remember each time we go thru this process. It often feels like a punishment to me to have to be the bad guy and take away all the fun. But as us parents know, and often forget, discipline is an important part of a child's structure and growing up. Discipline is love. And this kid is about to find out just how much I love him. Ha!

Take a deep breath Stephie. Send another apology to your mom. A thank you note to your friend. And keep on keepin on. You aren't so bad after all.

My friends are turning 40

I have this distinct memory of preparing for my high school friends mom, 40th birthday party. We ran around the neighborhood posting signs and pictures of her with giant words: Lordy Lordy Mary's 40! We laughed. We snickered. And not once did I even think I'd ever be "that old". 

For the record I'm still not that old. But suddenly my friends are. And though I have the same snicker as I blow up my Social networking site with the same slogan ( replace Mary with correct friends name) it occurs to me... I kind of like it. 

40 used to be that old mom age that involved a mid life crisis, possible divorce and a new hair style. Turns out its still the same idea but with the added advantage of knowledge. At our age it's not a mid life crisis, rather an awakening of life around us. -Who is here? Why are they here? And do they have my best interest at heart? -Are just a few questions these 40 year old friends of mine are asking themselves. And when the answers are not what they hoped for its time to pack some bags and move along. 

The new hair isn't a younger thing, it's a stripe of honor. It says "I've survived the know it all 20's, paid for it in my 30's and here's my proof that I passed the test."

 (If you're in your 20's still and that comment offended you, it just proves my point) The new car isn't because there's anything wrong with the old one. It represents the life and love offered to so many people around you for so many years and realizing its time to treat yourself. 

What we don't give each other enough credit for, especially as women, is our hard work for others up to this point. The mid life crisis isn't a crisis at all. It's more a mid life awakening and we deserve to be supported thru it. Instead of pointing and whispering we should be saying "hell yes to the dress, new hair, tattoo and for kicking that guy to the curb." (Finally!) Maybe instead for making the decision to spice up the relationship with her man a little more. Either way its her life, her choice and until we are there personally, the journey makes very little sense. 

Trust each other. Trust your friends. Trust their choices and know when you do, it will be paid back in full when its your turn to experience this magical awakening.  And if its not paid back in full... Pack their bags and send them on their way. Right after the hair appointment and just before the new car purchase. 

OT's with padded rooms and swings :)

STOP BLAMING YOURSELF MOMS

So today my littlest tiniest, being all of 7 years old went to an occupational therapist to be observed as he played. Tested on motor skills. And all the while I sat with my cold cup of coffee being interviewed about every moment that came to my mind over the last 7 years with my amazing little. All the quirks & oddities that stood out. He's an incredible little guy he's just experiencing some temper issues that seem to be triggered by sensory processing malfunctions. There I sat. Cold cup of coffee. Little one running around like crazy in a place it's totally acceptable to do that. And speaking with a woman who seems half my age that I'm depending on to give me all the answers. I hate to think of it like an interview, but I only have an hour to prove my case. And when the hour is up she decides if I will ever see her again and under what circumstances. Like a date. But my sons success depends on it.

And so I spilled my guts and I told her all about how he smells people. Like REALLY smells them. And things. And clothes. Sometimes walls. What an incredible sense of smell this kid has. If he receives multiple hand me down clothes he can in fact tell you who they came from based on how they smell. No joke. I tell her how he sleeps under heavy stuffed animals and covers his face with multiple blankets. How one day he wants oodles and oodles of bubbles in his bath and the next day, bubbles "hurt" his skin and we spend the next half hour calming down from a melt down. How since we went to the dentist last spring to get his tooth pulled from an infection the mere idea of brushing his teeth gives me a nightly migraine. I tell her everything is a battle. And then one day it's not. And then it's 8:32pm and it's all a battle again. There is no rhyme or reason except bubbles, and teeth, and boogers and frustration for both of us.

The interview ends and the whole time I'm feeling like this amazing room was made for my little boy. It's full of mats, climbers, blocks and even swings where he can get all of that amazing tummy stimulation. I saw the good in that room and I wanted so badly for him to have that opportunity. So when it was over she asked if I had any other questions. Before I knew it I was broken and crying with snot running down into my cold cup of coffee. All I could squeek out thru my broken teary voice was "am I crazy? Can you help us?"...

As a parent I second guess myself every single day. This does not mean I don't have confidence it simply means that here I am, in charge of another human beings life. Her/Her/Her/His & one more His life depends on it. My decisions are for the good of those little monkeys whether they like them or not. The discipline, mac & cheese, snuggles, homework, appointments, quitting my corporate job of 13 years... it's all for them. They won't get it until they hold their own in their arms and right after they decide everything they will do differently from me because I did it wrong... their light bulb will come on. And that's the moment I do it for.

So off we go on a new adventure. In a padded room. Where a swing hangs from the ceiling. Because my babiest of kids, deserves it. And because she said "YES! I CAN HELP YOU!"