Because it was so secretive and I worked so hard to keep it that way for way too long it was confusing and difficult for some people to understand. I have heard that I made some people question their own decisions because from what they could tell, we shared the same patterns and hobbies at what appeared to be the same frequency. Some people have even flat out told me that I'm not an alcoholic/addict which is interesting for a multitude of reasons.
There are many details of my life and addiction that I'm not willing to discuss. I'm just over four months into this new life and the tell all book will take a few more years to come out, IF EVER. But there are a few key components I want to share with you because as I have learned in this process, I AM NOT ALONE. And if I'm not alone in my feelings and in my recovery, then I also couldn't be the only secret addict out there RIGHT? Here are three reasons I told my secret.
1- I was scared. Scared of where I was, scared of what you would think, scared to quit & scared to keep going. I assumed the worst would happen. Whatever you're thinking is the worst ... I magnified it by 1000. But one quote that has forever stuck with me that got me thru those private conversations with my loved ones and into that first meeting & when I "came out" on Facebook... "Secrets lose their powers once told"- Mya Angelou.
I did lose friends. I left friends. And a lot of people were disappointed in me. But here I am 4 months later showing myself I can do this just for today. And all those things I was terrified of weren't nearly as difficult as if I had kept going.
2- There is no greater power than one addict helping another. Period. No matter your drug of choice: alcohol, heroine, pills, meth... I can hear it. Because our journey may be different, our experiences may seem worlds apart, our stories may be on a different timeline BUT I have felt the feelings of shame, fear and guilt. I have been to my bottom. And even if our bottoms look different (literally and figuratively), it feels similar. Overwhelming with darkness and fear. Darkness and fear is a recipe for disaster for the still suffering addict. The bravest thing you can do is ask for help. One of the best things I have heard in a meeting is "try it for at least 30 days and if you don't like it we can refund your misery".Genious.
If you are here and you don't know what to do next, ask. I did just exactly that. I reached out to someone open about their recovery and asked what to do. Rarely do I talk to this person and still I think they may have helped save my joy in life. Maybe even my life.
3- I need support. I need to be encouraged. I need the high five when I accomplish something. It's a human need that many of us have. I know it's confusing because I hid so much of my addiction from the world. I was functioning in an amazing job with a lot of friends, and an incredible family who I have a ton of gratitude for when I dropped the "I have a problem" conversation on. Please don't feel obligated to encourage me just know that when I tell the world about an accomplishment it's not to seek attention it's to seek encouragement.
Finally I want to share the following little video that I'd encourage you to watch if you have just a few minutes. Even the first few minutes are amazing. It may change your outlook and it may just change your life.
I have so much Gratitude for all the people who are accepting, encouraging and supporting me. Thank you for reading this blog. Starting a blog was on my bucket list for years, and it took getting sober to also get courageous enough to finally do it. I guess telling the world you're secret will do that. ;)
You are a solid human being. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! one second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time!
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