Dear Anti Depressant,
I want you to know that the last 16 years with you has been life changing. We first met shortly after my daughter was born and I couldn't quite pull myself off the bathroom floor at 3am every morning when that screaming baby needed to eat again. I couldn't figure out how to manage life as a new mom or even as a mom at all. I was constantly sweating, crying, leaking milk and puting on a smile for the world to see how joyful this motherhood thing was, even though it wasn't, until I couldn't do it anymore.
My doctor introduced us & right away you were there for me. You didn't even have to say anything because just your presense made me feel whole again. It's not that you made me suddenly love the 3am feedings and the fact that my nipples were bleeding from incorrect nursing, but you made me feel like it was managable. The tears still came but my heart was in the moment and The feelings felt more like separate feelings rather than one giant black cloud of why am I still alive.
When I figured out motherhood (Psh... who figures out motherhood) and as sweet baby girl got bigger and we both stopped crying as much you and I conquered the world. Together we survived my family moving out of state, separation, divorce, more babies, more marriage, more separation and more divorce. You even stuck by me thru my entire active addiction. And honestly that's kind of where things get a little sticky for us.
You see, every time my anxiety increased you did too. Doc said "You need more" and so more I took. Until there wasn't more of you to take. And when my anxiety was so too far out of control I couldn't wrap my head around it anymore & it was suggested I switch to a new kind of you. Your cousins were all in the line up but I remained faithful to and decided instead to cut out alcohol. So you held my hand through some of the hardest moments, days and months of my life. The ones where I got so real with myself that at some point I realized that maybe I don't actually need you anymore. I came to the realization that maybe all that anxiety I had now that the baby blues had cleared up was because of all the other things I was medicating my body with. Now that those were gone and I was finally dealing with reality it was time to deal with you.
As great as you have been there were a few red flags I'd like to point out that had me question our relationship along the way.
- I couldn't quit you. Literally. If I missed a dose you reminded me by sending these crazy electrical currents at a million watt voltage through my brain and body. My anxiety increased to a million times worse than anything I remember feeling to begin with and often ended in sobbing panic attacks in any given place at any given moment.
- You were a little bit controlling. The longer we spent time together the more you would want to be around. What started as a 15mg dosage increased over the years to the maximum dose of 60mg per day. Every time I tried to go down in dosage the previous complaint came back around.
- I eventually felt lonely and helpless against your powers. Like I couldn't leave you. Like I couldn't do it with out you. You as a tiny little white pill small in diameter were controlling my daily life and this is when I knew it had to end.
It's not you. It's me.
Thank you for 16 years of your time, co pays and reminders I had forgotten you at home on a vacation. Thank you for being my little white buddy through all the trials and thank you for helping me get to the other side of many life events.
Please don't call, text, email or find me on any social networking site. I don't want to stay friends.
I love you, I'm just not in love with you.
Stephie Juice
