Dear 35- Go home, you're drunk....

 

Dear 35...

Right here in this picture, you are already too drunk. Don't worry you will have several more on this night and you will have a good time. Right about now you know in your own head alone, you have a problem but you're just going to go ahead and keep going hard for about 6 more months before you stop.

35 is going to both kick your ass and be kick ass. Here are a few highlights. 

• You realized early on you had a problem and that was scary. So you went ahead and ignored it by making it worse for about 6 more months. That's ok, because you survived it THIS TIME. You will learn how lucky you are because there were moments you weren't even sure that surviving was something you wanted. This will surprise the hell out of a lot of people because that happy face you put on is a bit of a trickster. 

• You will learn the meaning of asshole. You will have first hand experience at acting like one, being one and living that behavior. You will have a new appreciation for some of the assholes who left because it turns out, that just like you, they weren't assholes all the time. They were human. They gave you good things. And it was just time to move on. 

• You will forgive deeply. Yourself. The others. YOURSELF. First the shame and the guilt. Then all the forgiveness. 

• You will stop the lying. You will become the opposite of a liar and will tell the world your story. And because of your honestly you will connect with people who need you. They don't realize yet how much their story is doing the same for you because it took a while for you to understand that concept. But together you will kick ass in sober land.

• You will leave your job of 14 years at a large corporation to be a stay at home mom. You will realize quickly being a stay at home mom, is not staying at home at all. It should be called "stay away from home because you're now the personal assistant for the family" mom. You love it. You love every second of it. 

• You aren't a good housekeeper or a good cook. You now know this because the excuse of "I work and don't really have time" goes out the window and the house is still a mess. Plus your kids will say things like "Do we ever eat anything besides pizza and spaghetti".  But you're going to go ahead and just embrace that shit because there is way too much fun to be had in this world to spend it house keeping and cooking. 

• You will realize and then forget and then realize and then forget that your husband kicks a whole lot of ass. Because this whole list and more is what he has to put up with. And he still loves you through it. He is your biggest cheerleader. He is your forever. And though you always knew that... all of this will show you both how much love truly conquers all. 

YOU HAVE THE MOST INCREDIBLE SUPPORT SYSTEM IN THE WORLD! PERIOD!

• OMG you are totally going to finally start that blog you have been talking about starting. In fact, you're doing it right now. 

• Running and diet really do help anxiety. I know, we tried to deny it for years. We wanted a magic pill but the magic pills didn't work. They in fact did a little bit more damage than expected.

• You are going to learn that even 5.5 months into sobriety you are still going to have days where all you want is a drink. And you want to be able to do it like your friends. Or like you used to. You can taste, smell and feel the warmness of a good IPA. But you know what that life looks like. And you will take another 24 with the support of your people. In and out of the program.

• Gratitude. You will learn your own true definition of gratitude. Not the one in Websters, Wikipedia, Google or even the Urban Dictionary. Your very own special meaning of gratitude. You won't ever really be able to define it because it changes almost every day and sometimes multiple times a day. Your gratitude is your life. And your list grows with every single good, bad and indifferent experience.

So drink away sweet 35 year old Stephie. The inside hurts right now but in 6 months you are going to do the bravest, scariest, hardest thing you have ever done. You are going to ask for help. You are going to make amends. You are going to move forward and though it's not going to always feel good or be easy, you are going to start living life on lifes terms. And that will be the greatest gift you can give birthday #36!

Gratitudy Gratitude

In celebration of my 5 months of doing the next right thing, getting thru each just for today & making it right here, right now by being in the solution...

 Imma go ahead and share my gratitude list with ya'll. 

  I still struggle today. I am stronger, dam I am so much stronger than that broken girl 5 months ago. But every single day I make a choice not to pick up, sometimes several times a day.  1 drink today will look much different 5 more months down the road. And let's be honest I already did that thing where I made an exception and pushed limits and boundaries until I hit the bottom of the pavement floor hard. So ... No More "Just One Beer" for Stephie Juice.

1 is too many and 1000 is NEVER enough :)

April 6, 2014 Gratitude List

1. My People: The ones who inhabit my home. The littles who celebrate me and the husband who adores me. The ones who have literally seen me broken and lift me up every single day. My hubs who has gone thru every emotional moment of this with me and still he's here with me. Never once ready to pack up and leave. And every moment supporting me continuing to stay home and go to school.
2. My Blood: Mama, Daddy & sisters. Who push me. Literally & figuratively.
3. My Homies: The ones who have been there. Even when they haven't been right here. They've been there. And they know who they are. 
4. My recovery group: The program, the people, my sponsor, the service work, the books. The acceptance and the love. The confirmation that one addict helping another is what it's all about.
5. This here blog. Where people make a choice to read it.
6. My new job!!!!! 
7. The ability to make a choice whether I want to run or not. 1 mile, 3 miles or not at all.
8. My health. 
9. School. Even if I feel super dum today because I'm super confused. I get to be there.
10. People from my past. Because at some point it was exactly what I wanted and I couldn't be right here right now without those valuable lessons. (Please remind me of this later)
11. Laughter and a sense of humor. I can pretty much find it in any situation. And though it was broken for a little bit I had numbers 1,2,3 & 4 above reminding me to do it. 
12. My bottom. I like my butt. It's one of the only things I like.
13. My other bottom. Who knows where the hell I'd be right now if I hadn't hit it so hard.
14. My luxuries. This includes my home, car, food and makeup. Yep. Those are my luxuries.
15.  I have everything to live for and everything to lose, and I am grateful to be clear headed in this moment right now refusing to take it for granted.

And with that... I will take another 24 :)

-If you or someone you know needs help with any kind or form of addiction please reach out to me so I can point you in the right direction. You are not alone.