Rock bottom hurts like hell

I found a journal entry from just over a year ago. I'm a fan of journals and their intense ability to remind me of where I came from and remind me of serious progress I can't always see in the thick of it. I'm not going to share the entry as I believe this private piece is for my eyes only, however it prompted me to write about the very darkest place I have ever in my life been. Rock Bottom.

What does it feel like to hit rock bottom? I can answer that in a million different ways. There have been many times in my life where I thought I was at the bottom. Leaving a marriage, leaving a second marriage, post partum depression, falling out with friends... but my actual rock bottom was reserved for age 35 in November of 2013. That was the bottom where I not only had to deal with the wreckage from the past but all the new wreckage I had created.

This rock bottom was different. It required pain both physical and mental in a capacity I never imagined.  Pain from every bone, nerve, being in my body. Absolute utter sickness and not just from withdrawals. Sickness and darkness from all the lies I told and the lies I told to get out of the lies I told. Secrets I kept that consumed every wrinkle in my skin and the mask I wore to put on the happy stephie face everyone expected from me. The mask I could no longer bare to wear at all. The mask I ripped off and fully anticipated would cause everyone to walk out of my life because it was missing.

You know when you're sick or just really tired and those dark circles exist around your eyes? Or the dark spots that exist in your actual eye site? Everything looks dark and you can't see the world around you like you did yesterday? This was rock bottom for me beginning in September and then every day through the entire month of December.

Rock bottom felt like I was in fact the worst of the humans that ever walked the earth. Not the kind where I knew I wasn't but just felt that way. The kind where I actually felt that way. To me there was no one and nothing worse than my existence. I couldn't see past the terrible stuff I had done. In that time frame it didn't matter what good I brought to the world or whose life I had made better, it only mattered that I had ruined myself and everyone around me. Self forgiveness is still work in progress but certainly much more present in my life.

It was beyond lonely. I was surrounded with people but isolated by anxiety and thoughts of wanting to just be done. I was not willing to take my own life but I wasn't going to fight it if my time was up and I was faced with death. I did not believe in a higher power and yet I begged as if there were one to take me from life as I was clearly unworthy of having one.

I was so consumed in the guilt and shame I missed all the family holiday traditions & good stuff  happening around me. Except I didn't. As it turned out I had to live through every second of climbing my way out of the personal hell I created to see that was the best thing I ever did to myself.

My ego had taken over. It was all about me. 

I told very few people about my problems in the beginning. I only shared a couple of short weeks after this Facebook post that I was going to quit drinking. I was so ashamed that I promised myself I would only tell the details necessary to explain why I wasn't going out to party anymore. 

Today, if you're reading this you know, my mind is changed. Today I have a victory to share with women who just like I was, are at the bottom. There is no shame in waiving your white flag, only courage. Nothing you have done is as bad as you think it is. I PROMISE. Be courageous and face it because there are people waiting for your victory and the most important person in that crowd, is you followed shortly by the still suffering addict. 

I wrote this Facebook status shortly after writing this journal entry and thanks to this magical new app called time hop I was prompted to look back at this journal entry from last year and reflect on it today.

 I am a grateful recovering addict. I have made mistakes and I have created hell for myself. I have crawled into a hole that I dug for myself and then I built a ladder and have worked hard on the journey to get out of it. Broken open and terribly bruised I stand before myself today and can happily say if we all put our problems in a pile, with God and support by my side, I will pick mine right back out.

If you need help I will guide you. If you're not sure ask. The only thing worse than not asking for help out of your rock bottom is dying inside of it. 

What it FEELS like to be 11 months sober

Holy range of emotions Batman. 11 months ago I walked into a room of strangers who opened their arms, lives and stories and taught me to accept myself and the love of all the people inside & outside of this room. I've experienced every emotion ever all in the last 5 days. HA!

I remember being 2 weeks sober. I remember  the part in the readings said "is there anyone here with less than 30 days" I was still answering "my name is Stephannie, I'm an addict". I remember the girl who was chairing, sharing her story and saying she was just under 11 months sober and then saying how hard it was. How many cravings she was having. How all she could think, dream and obsess about was her drug of choice, which happened to be mine... alcohol.

I remember thinking "holy shit, if it's as hard right now at 2 weeks as it will be in 11 months I don't know if I can do this". But I kept coming back. I got a sponsor and I continued to work the steps. Now it's my turn. Now I'm at 11 months and not only do I have a little more experience, strength and hope I also have perspective. I have never forgotten her story.

I remember thinking what the hell is 11 months going to feel like. Here it is:

Happy: Holy shit balls I have not had a drink in 11 months. 11 months ago you couldn't have convinced me I would make it this far. COULD. NOT. CONVINCE. ME.

Relieved: I didn't self sabotage.

Terrified: That tomorrow I might self sabotage.

Horrified: At the things I did. Lies I told. People I hurt. People I let hurt me because I thought I deserved that with the shameful little secret I was hiding.

Alive: Breathing, feeling and moving forward.

Sad: Shit happens. I get sad and I even get depressed. I cry and cry and sometimes I cry more. Sometimes for no reason and sometimes for big reasons. This is life right? Crying and sad happens.

Overwhelmed: I'm a mom to 3, step mom to 2, full time student, part time worker, football practice, bills, a house to manage, counseling, meetings, drivers ed, fights to break up, homework, sick kids, car problems, baby daddy drama, sensory sensitive kids, emotional teenagerisms and an incredible husband to dote on. LUXERY PROBLEMS! I have luxury real life honest hard working LUXERY PROBLEMS.

Tired: (See overwhelmed)

Jealous:  I want what my husband and friends can have. When I feel overwhelmed and tired I want to check out and have "a glass of wine". And sometimes I'm super jealous that I'm not capable of having those things.

Hopeful: For my future based on how far I've come.

Excited: About all the opportunities I've been presented and have had the pleasure of enjoying because I chose to make it through "just for today" for the last 11 months. Sometimes those days were broken down into hours. Sometimes even minutes. But they added up to 11 months. SHIT YEAH!

Lost: This is a new life. Learning to feel all these feelings all the way through brings on more feelings every day. New feelings, old feelings -they all sneak up and kick my ass. I get lost and I'm not always sure how I'll make it to a whole lifetime of sobriety.

Found: Then I take a deep breath, reach out to my people, pray (which often times  looks a lot like begging and pleading in my case) and I turn it over. I know I don't have to worry about the lifetime. I just have to get through right now. Those tools have helped me find a new me and even when it's hard I have a bookshelf of items to pull from. When I feel jealous or sad or scared or tired, I get to pull out one thing after another and re find myself again.

Does it suck that I can't enjoy a beer with my husband and friends? Yep... sometimes that sucks. Do I stomp my feet sometimes because I want to drink at a wedding... because like my kids say "IT'S NOT FAIR"... yep. Sometimes I do. But do I remember the life I left behind and why I left it there???
EVERY NIGHT WHEN I PUT MY  SOBER HEAD ON MY PILLOW- ABSO-FRICKEN-LUTELY!

Basically all of the feelings that I have always felt. Before I became an active addict then during my active addiction, all of those feelings.... I FEEL THEM. Those same feelings you have, I have. It's just that I put off growing up a little and feeling them all for a while. I spent so many years avoiding them, putting on a smile and numbing them that I "get to" experience them now. Which leads me to my favorite feeling of all - Gratitude. 

What an absolute gift everyone of these feelings have been.  

An absolute gift.