The voice that said I couldn't do it.
The voice that reminded me in high school I was voted most likely to drop out of college. Joke or not it was printed in our senior paper. It has stuck with me for nearly 20 years.
The voice of my ex husband who called me "nothing but a college drop out" or "a lying attention seeker" in his nicest hour and a "slut" at his worst.
The voice who only remembers the times I've been short tempered at bed time when the kids get up for the 500th time because they "have a question" and I go to bed feeling like all I did was make their life hard.
The voice whose heart is breaking amidst her own family drama trying to figure out what I can do different and how I can be everything to everyone and still be me.
The voice that reminds me all the time that just because you got an A this time doesn't mean shit. Any minute now they will figure you out and that A will be an F.
The voice that second guesses everything I've done in my life.
The one that says of course you got 6 months sober. You fucked it up. You should never have gotten so out of control.
The voice that has an excuse and a reason to dismiss anything and everything worth celebrating.
The voice that says I will and can't be anything. That I'm too fat after a childhood of being too skinny. That I said it in the wrong tone or with the wrong expression. That I say too much to too many people and not enough to others. That it's too hard, too fast, too slow, too scary, too expensive too too too too...
For one hour it was perfect and quiet.
All of the sudden in the middle of it all I realized in this room full of people all that existed was me and my 3 proud kids. And this was our moment. After years of me doing my best for them and constantly disappointing myself I looked at them beaming at me while I stood with my rose and my candle and I started crying. Ugly crying. As I walked back to my seat my kids were perfectly still, smiling, reaching out to hug me and taking pictures. It was our moment. And that voice knew it.
As the audience erupted into applause the speaker announced cake and within moments my boys were fist fighting and my girl was wandering and life came back full force.
I have searched for this silence for months. Thru sobriety, meditation, yoga, running, writing, step work, counseling, sleeping and anything plus everything in between. I would pay and do anything for this to go away and I earned it by being me.
What does your voice tell you? When are we enough for ourselves? When do we put down our walls and allow ourselves the grace and congratulations we deserve?
Tonight I realized its time for me to set my own stage. To allow myself the victories. To drown out the voice and take in the moments. Before it's too late... Create your stage.
Message received.
