What it FEELS like to be 11 months sober

Holy range of emotions Batman. 11 months ago I walked into a room of strangers who opened their arms, lives and stories and taught me to accept myself and the love of all the people inside & outside of this room. I've experienced every emotion ever all in the last 5 days. HA!

I remember being 2 weeks sober. I remember  the part in the readings said "is there anyone here with less than 30 days" I was still answering "my name is Stephannie, I'm an addict". I remember the girl who was chairing, sharing her story and saying she was just under 11 months sober and then saying how hard it was. How many cravings she was having. How all she could think, dream and obsess about was her drug of choice, which happened to be mine... alcohol.

I remember thinking "holy shit, if it's as hard right now at 2 weeks as it will be in 11 months I don't know if I can do this". But I kept coming back. I got a sponsor and I continued to work the steps. Now it's my turn. Now I'm at 11 months and not only do I have a little more experience, strength and hope I also have perspective. I have never forgotten her story.

I remember thinking what the hell is 11 months going to feel like. Here it is:

Happy: Holy shit balls I have not had a drink in 11 months. 11 months ago you couldn't have convinced me I would make it this far. COULD. NOT. CONVINCE. ME.

Relieved: I didn't self sabotage.

Terrified: That tomorrow I might self sabotage.

Horrified: At the things I did. Lies I told. People I hurt. People I let hurt me because I thought I deserved that with the shameful little secret I was hiding.

Alive: Breathing, feeling and moving forward.

Sad: Shit happens. I get sad and I even get depressed. I cry and cry and sometimes I cry more. Sometimes for no reason and sometimes for big reasons. This is life right? Crying and sad happens.

Overwhelmed: I'm a mom to 3, step mom to 2, full time student, part time worker, football practice, bills, a house to manage, counseling, meetings, drivers ed, fights to break up, homework, sick kids, car problems, baby daddy drama, sensory sensitive kids, emotional teenagerisms and an incredible husband to dote on. LUXERY PROBLEMS! I have luxury real life honest hard working LUXERY PROBLEMS.

Tired: (See overwhelmed)

Jealous:  I want what my husband and friends can have. When I feel overwhelmed and tired I want to check out and have "a glass of wine". And sometimes I'm super jealous that I'm not capable of having those things.

Hopeful: For my future based on how far I've come.

Excited: About all the opportunities I've been presented and have had the pleasure of enjoying because I chose to make it through "just for today" for the last 11 months. Sometimes those days were broken down into hours. Sometimes even minutes. But they added up to 11 months. SHIT YEAH!

Lost: This is a new life. Learning to feel all these feelings all the way through brings on more feelings every day. New feelings, old feelings -they all sneak up and kick my ass. I get lost and I'm not always sure how I'll make it to a whole lifetime of sobriety.

Found: Then I take a deep breath, reach out to my people, pray (which often times  looks a lot like begging and pleading in my case) and I turn it over. I know I don't have to worry about the lifetime. I just have to get through right now. Those tools have helped me find a new me and even when it's hard I have a bookshelf of items to pull from. When I feel jealous or sad or scared or tired, I get to pull out one thing after another and re find myself again.

Does it suck that I can't enjoy a beer with my husband and friends? Yep... sometimes that sucks. Do I stomp my feet sometimes because I want to drink at a wedding... because like my kids say "IT'S NOT FAIR"... yep. Sometimes I do. But do I remember the life I left behind and why I left it there???
EVERY NIGHT WHEN I PUT MY  SOBER HEAD ON MY PILLOW- ABSO-FRICKEN-LUTELY!

Basically all of the feelings that I have always felt. Before I became an active addict then during my active addiction, all of those feelings.... I FEEL THEM. Those same feelings you have, I have. It's just that I put off growing up a little and feeling them all for a while. I spent so many years avoiding them, putting on a smile and numbing them that I "get to" experience them now. Which leads me to my favorite feeling of all - Gratitude. 

What an absolute gift everyone of these feelings have been.  

An absolute gift.