Freedom, independence and sobriety!

Just another sober holiday upon us in the house. And by us I mean me. I'm just a blink away from 8 months sober and dam proud of it. Still I can't help but think at every holiday during this last 8 months how it's the first I've spent sober in years.

4th of July is no different. I remember as far back as age 19 being obliterated at a party with keg stands and loud music on this holiday. I didn't live in canada so it wasn't really legal. But it was the beginning of the end for me. I was a hard nosed baby teenage girl on a mission to rebel. I was also pregnant with my first baby a month later. I should have seen that as a sign to slowwwww down. And I did for 9 months. But then I just got better at being a more "mature" and responsible drinker. 

Independence Day for me this year is about more than Red, white & blue costumes, Budweiser and 3 day weekends. Independence Day for me this year is about my independence from my addiction. It's being able to see that the life I lived was in fact...a life all it's own. Yeah, I managed a full time job, many friendships, mommy time and made a lot of great choices. But doing that while being a super secretive addict took a lot of ridiculous work and effort. I kept it up for a long time until I couldn't. And then when I couldn't I had to learn how to love one single sober life. It had to be full of all the goodness I believe in, doing great amazing things, falling on my face, facing challenges and sometimes even making the wrong choice. I had to learn how to do it all sober. My crutch could no longer be a bottle of wine at 10pm, it had to be me and my intention and doing the next right thing. 

I'm 7 months and 29 days into it. It's still not always easy but it's different. It's safe, clean, at times overwhelming but always about the next right thing. The shame and guilt have lifted. I'm working a strong program that is teaching me how to live, love and laugh. 

I rocked thanksgiving, crawled through Christmas, was drug by my family and a great friend through New Years, slept through Presidents' Day (I'm an addict. I drank for everything), had a date for my anniversary, attended friends birthdays, celebrated someone else's life on my birthday & today I shout from the rooftops and declare this life my very own on Independence Day. It is not a perfect life, but it is my life. It is my next right thing. 

I write this because I want to include the world in doing the next right thing. I want to give you hope that no matter what is eating you inside, whatever it is you are aching to change can be changed. Feelings, addiction, heart ache, divorce, life changes or friendships ending even the anxiety of an interaction today with your kids you aren't proud of. You deserve to gain your independence from that experience. Some things will take more work than others. That more work may take a few holidays of firsts without the same details but it can be yours if you want it. Give yourself permission to move forward, do the next right thing and do it with love! 

And by all means... Have yourself a safe, fun day of celebrating freedom!!!!

Girl with the MOST last names mommitment

My #mommitment to you;

I pledge to listen. Like really listen to you without thinking about what I'm going to say next. Because your children are beautiful amazing people. Because one day they will run our hospitals, schools, communities and government. Because today they are funny and smart and beautiful creatures full of wonder and belong to a mom who loves them like no other woman loves them.

Because no matter what you thought the day before you peed on that stick and saw that baby was coming I know that for you, that very day and test changed your life like it changed mine. Before that day we thought we knew everything. Then the day came when we held them in our arms and no matter what you did next, the weight of the world and the life in your arms changed your life just like mine. 

Because your heart has ached over big and small decisions. Because your tears have stung your eyes the same as mine have stung mine. Because your heart has ached in ways only we can understand. The sleepless nights, the fear of doing it wrong, the joy of doing it right and the burn of someone questioning our decision. 

I pledge to listen. Because we deserve each others support and quite honestly what you're doing is working. Your children are amazing. You are amazing. And we don't have to agree on what exactly we do that makes our children amazing. 

In fact what we need to do is teach our kids that they are uniquely and amazingly their very own person. That they will do things different than other people but that they should always respect those other people for being individuals and doing what makes them... Well, what makes them - them. 

Hmmmmmm. What a novel idea. 

SIGN THIS PETITION & Make your mommitment with Next Life No Kids and the rest of us here;

Moms: Make a #Mommitment 

She Is An Addict

"She will ask for help, but only when it is too late – because asking for help is the hardest thing she has ever done. She is not the helped; she is the helper. She will ask for help after she has drained her family’s bank account and tried to quit on her own a hundred times. She will ask for help when she is riddled with guilt and shame, and there is nothing left to do but die or beg for tender mercies she offered so many other people. She will ask for help because she can’t see up from down anymore."

Every day I'm full of gratitude for this new clean and sober life I'm living. In order to show appreciation I write about my journey. In this post I submitted to 
www.sober mommies.com I was able to to get seriously vulnerable and the response from doing so was amazing. It is my responsibility to my family, myself and to the millions of others in recovery or seeking recovery to share my story. This is what keeps me sane, sober and helps other people just like me see it's possible. Possibility saved my life. 

"Failure is experience, strength and hope in disguise". Click on the link & Enjoy the read :)

http://sobermommies.com/she-is-an-addict/

Rock bottom hurts like hell

I found a journal entry from just over a year ago. I'm a fan of journals and their intense ability to remind me of where I came from and remind me of serious progress I can't always see in the thick of it. I'm not going to share the entry as I believe this private piece is for my eyes only, however it prompted me to write about the very darkest place I have ever in my life been. Rock Bottom.

What does it feel like to hit rock bottom? I can answer that in a million different ways. There have been many times in my life where I thought I was at the bottom. Leaving a marriage, leaving a second marriage, post partum depression, falling out with friends... but my actual rock bottom was reserved for age 35 in November of 2013. That was the bottom where I not only had to deal with the wreckage from the past but all the new wreckage I had created.

This rock bottom was different. It required pain both physical and mental in a capacity I never imagined.  Pain from every bone, nerve, being in my body. Absolute utter sickness and not just from withdrawals. Sickness and darkness from all the lies I told and the lies I told to get out of the lies I told. Secrets I kept that consumed every wrinkle in my skin and the mask I wore to put on the happy stephie face everyone expected from me. The mask I could no longer bare to wear at all. The mask I ripped off and fully anticipated would cause everyone to walk out of my life because it was missing.

You know when you're sick or just really tired and those dark circles exist around your eyes? Or the dark spots that exist in your actual eye site? Everything looks dark and you can't see the world around you like you did yesterday? This was rock bottom for me beginning in September and then every day through the entire month of December.

Rock bottom felt like I was in fact the worst of the humans that ever walked the earth. Not the kind where I knew I wasn't but just felt that way. The kind where I actually felt that way. To me there was no one and nothing worse than my existence. I couldn't see past the terrible stuff I had done. In that time frame it didn't matter what good I brought to the world or whose life I had made better, it only mattered that I had ruined myself and everyone around me. Self forgiveness is still work in progress but certainly much more present in my life.

It was beyond lonely. I was surrounded with people but isolated by anxiety and thoughts of wanting to just be done. I was not willing to take my own life but I wasn't going to fight it if my time was up and I was faced with death. I did not believe in a higher power and yet I begged as if there were one to take me from life as I was clearly unworthy of having one.

I was so consumed in the guilt and shame I missed all the family holiday traditions & good stuff  happening around me. Except I didn't. As it turned out I had to live through every second of climbing my way out of the personal hell I created to see that was the best thing I ever did to myself.

My ego had taken over. It was all about me. 

I told very few people about my problems in the beginning. I only shared a couple of short weeks after this Facebook post that I was going to quit drinking. I was so ashamed that I promised myself I would only tell the details necessary to explain why I wasn't going out to party anymore. 

Today, if you're reading this you know, my mind is changed. Today I have a victory to share with women who just like I was, are at the bottom. There is no shame in waiving your white flag, only courage. Nothing you have done is as bad as you think it is. I PROMISE. Be courageous and face it because there are people waiting for your victory and the most important person in that crowd, is you followed shortly by the still suffering addict. 

I wrote this Facebook status shortly after writing this journal entry and thanks to this magical new app called time hop I was prompted to look back at this journal entry from last year and reflect on it today.

 I am a grateful recovering addict. I have made mistakes and I have created hell for myself. I have crawled into a hole that I dug for myself and then I built a ladder and have worked hard on the journey to get out of it. Broken open and terribly bruised I stand before myself today and can happily say if we all put our problems in a pile, with God and support by my side, I will pick mine right back out.

If you need help I will guide you. If you're not sure ask. The only thing worse than not asking for help out of your rock bottom is dying inside of it. 

What it FEELS like to be 11 months sober

Holy range of emotions Batman. 11 months ago I walked into a room of strangers who opened their arms, lives and stories and taught me to accept myself and the love of all the people inside & outside of this room. I've experienced every emotion ever all in the last 5 days. HA!

I remember being 2 weeks sober. I remember  the part in the readings said "is there anyone here with less than 30 days" I was still answering "my name is Stephannie, I'm an addict". I remember the girl who was chairing, sharing her story and saying she was just under 11 months sober and then saying how hard it was. How many cravings she was having. How all she could think, dream and obsess about was her drug of choice, which happened to be mine... alcohol.

I remember thinking "holy shit, if it's as hard right now at 2 weeks as it will be in 11 months I don't know if I can do this". But I kept coming back. I got a sponsor and I continued to work the steps. Now it's my turn. Now I'm at 11 months and not only do I have a little more experience, strength and hope I also have perspective. I have never forgotten her story.

I remember thinking what the hell is 11 months going to feel like. Here it is:

Happy: Holy shit balls I have not had a drink in 11 months. 11 months ago you couldn't have convinced me I would make it this far. COULD. NOT. CONVINCE. ME.

Relieved: I didn't self sabotage.

Terrified: That tomorrow I might self sabotage.

Horrified: At the things I did. Lies I told. People I hurt. People I let hurt me because I thought I deserved that with the shameful little secret I was hiding.

Alive: Breathing, feeling and moving forward.

Sad: Shit happens. I get sad and I even get depressed. I cry and cry and sometimes I cry more. Sometimes for no reason and sometimes for big reasons. This is life right? Crying and sad happens.

Overwhelmed: I'm a mom to 3, step mom to 2, full time student, part time worker, football practice, bills, a house to manage, counseling, meetings, drivers ed, fights to break up, homework, sick kids, car problems, baby daddy drama, sensory sensitive kids, emotional teenagerisms and an incredible husband to dote on. LUXERY PROBLEMS! I have luxury real life honest hard working LUXERY PROBLEMS.

Tired: (See overwhelmed)

Jealous:  I want what my husband and friends can have. When I feel overwhelmed and tired I want to check out and have "a glass of wine". And sometimes I'm super jealous that I'm not capable of having those things.

Hopeful: For my future based on how far I've come.

Excited: About all the opportunities I've been presented and have had the pleasure of enjoying because I chose to make it through "just for today" for the last 11 months. Sometimes those days were broken down into hours. Sometimes even minutes. But they added up to 11 months. SHIT YEAH!

Lost: This is a new life. Learning to feel all these feelings all the way through brings on more feelings every day. New feelings, old feelings -they all sneak up and kick my ass. I get lost and I'm not always sure how I'll make it to a whole lifetime of sobriety.

Found: Then I take a deep breath, reach out to my people, pray (which often times  looks a lot like begging and pleading in my case) and I turn it over. I know I don't have to worry about the lifetime. I just have to get through right now. Those tools have helped me find a new me and even when it's hard I have a bookshelf of items to pull from. When I feel jealous or sad or scared or tired, I get to pull out one thing after another and re find myself again.

Does it suck that I can't enjoy a beer with my husband and friends? Yep... sometimes that sucks. Do I stomp my feet sometimes because I want to drink at a wedding... because like my kids say "IT'S NOT FAIR"... yep. Sometimes I do. But do I remember the life I left behind and why I left it there???
EVERY NIGHT WHEN I PUT MY  SOBER HEAD ON MY PILLOW- ABSO-FRICKEN-LUTELY!

Basically all of the feelings that I have always felt. Before I became an active addict then during my active addiction, all of those feelings.... I FEEL THEM. Those same feelings you have, I have. It's just that I put off growing up a little and feeling them all for a while. I spent so many years avoiding them, putting on a smile and numbing them that I "get to" experience them now. Which leads me to my favorite feeling of all - Gratitude. 

What an absolute gift everyone of these feelings have been.  

An absolute gift. 

A new kind of addiction.... And a new kind of dealing

Welcome to the first oily blogHOP!

We are so excited to have you here.

 

Make sure you keep your eyes peeled for little bottles of lemon as you read through the blog posts. At the end tally them up and you can enter a fun giveaway to win the Gentle Babies book by Debra Raybern, a total must have for Mom's with little ones.

 

If you have gone the whole way around the blog and found your way back here, go to http://www.theoilycrunchymama.com/blog/2014/8/28/lets-talk-allergies 

to enter the number of lemon bottles you counted on the whole blogHOP.

 

Entries will be accepted until 9AM (PST) on 8/29 winner will be selected at random on Sept 1st!

---------------------------------------------

Why essential oils Stephannie? For me... I relate to much of life through my senses. Smells particularly make me feel all kinds of things. Peppermint reminds me of cold winter mornings, cinnamon and spices reminds me of making applesauce with my mom, spearmint sends me back to hanging out with my girlfriends chewing gum in the car. 

For those who haven't heard yet I'm a recovering addict who works a strong 12 step program. The first time I went to my sponsors house she was steaming lavender essential oil and her house immediately felt comfortable and safe.  Since that meeting my stepwork book and journal have been heavily scented with lavender. Every time I open that book to do step work whether I'm at home or backpacking in the mountains I still smell lavendar and I'm immediately at peace like that first moment I walked into her home. It reminds me of a very personal and vulnerable night spent making a big decision with another human being- I wanted recovery. I wanted life. I wanted to feel again. 

Since that evening I have played around with the use of oils on my own skin for anxiety relief and head aches. I have successfully stopped taking my SSRI anxiety meds after 16 years and while those withdrawls were somethig else on my emotions, having my bottle of oils helped me manage the side effects. My son who is sensory sensitive has his own little bottle he rubs on his feet and hands as a method of comfort. Particularly when he's away from home it brings him a "sense" of security.

 (See what I did there)

When I saw a friend posting about all the smells from above and diffusing them in her house I felt like I needed to give it a go. I needed to see if this was something I could get into. I received my kit 3 days ago and it's basically been like a science experiment up in here. I'm having way too much fun walking down memory lane with all the smells I wrote about above and learning all I can about how to use these oils to keep my family healthy. 

My new addiction is oil. And now I'm a dealer of the goods. There will be no pressure from me to buy anything or sign up for anything. I'm doing this because I believe as a "smeller" of the world it was meant for me to experience. However, if you want to see what it's all about I'm here to help you make the right purchase for your specific needs. 

Because this post is part of a blog hop I invite you to visit this next blog to get more great ideas on how to use these amazing oils. At the bottom of this blog will be another and eventually you will make a full circle back here! Happy learning! 

http://www.theoilycrunchymama.com/blog

Here's to new beginnings with nostalgic smells! 

https://www.youngliving.com/signup/?site=US&sponsorid=2004929&enrollerid=2004929

Hey, I'm THAT mom!

This is my response to the recent blog titled "don't be that mom" .... I'm disappointed and once again ashamed of the lack of support we as moms feel from each other at times. I read that blog with high hopes. I saw that obviously staged photo of the joyous jumping mom and the sullen group of kids standing next to her. I believe I actually felt joy for that mom and perhaps a smidge looked forward to that moment of my own coming in just a couple of weeks. But then I read the article. The joy killing article about how we aren't supposed to be THAT mom. What the what?!?! Once again someone got a hold of an idea and used it to shame the hell out of all the moms out there who are doing the happy dance to celebrate the end of summer. 

Remember this commercial?

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fwcYbo7pjto

Me too. I remember laughing until tears were coming out of my eyeballs. My kids were pretty little at that time and I didn't fully grasp that concept but it was still freaking hilarious. I have this motto in life; If they make a movie, write a book or feature it on a tv series (today I include and add commercials) it must be real. It must mean I'm not the only one who has felt that way and quite honestly that's the best dam feeling in the world isn't it? To know you aren't alone in your awkward feelings. To feel less shame knowing you relate to something someone else has experienced felt or understood? YES! I live for those moments.

As it pertains to going back to school this was my first summer as a stay at home mom. It was everything I imagined. There was chaos, joy, tears, fighting, eye rolling, arguing, activities, boredom, too much tv, not enough me time and the house was a disaster. All of that happened by noon on day 2 of summer & that meant a shit ton more time of life needed to happen. I loved just about every minute of this summer with my kids. Ok, fine maybe not every moment.  But as it's winding down it's really easy for me to look backwards and see how much fun it actually was. But you know what else.... I'm so happy that in 1 week, 6 days and 9 hours all 5 of those munchkins will be tucked into their desks under the authority and love of their new teachers. And you know what else... They know it too. They know it because they feel the same way. When I told my 7 year old school was just under 2 weeks away he said these exact words "I'm so happy and excited I could cry right now"!!!! Me too buddy. Me too.

In school there is routine, bed time, regular chores, hot lunches and scheduled snacks, friends, the absence of parents breathing down their little tan sun kissed necks, activities, less tv, and did I mention routine. Kids and parents alike thrive off of that routine. We need school to be back in session so that by winter break we all miss each other and can handle another round of "OMG our mom isn't working and is trying to run this house like Pinterest and Activities on caffeine mania". Having the kids at school means I can fill my pinterest board with the next round of ideas and have just enough amnesia to think they will do it willingly, without eye rolling and joy in their hearts that I am home for them. 

My 11 year old did mutter under his breath recently " I just wish you still worked" as we were leaving the house singing camp songs I learned as a child. Just kidding, I was screaming at the kids because no one was listening and when we got to the park I sat in the car on my phone the whole time because why??? Because I needed a freaking break.

So cheers... to the kids and to the moms who like me are "Being THAT mom" and welcoming back the school year with open arms, and admittadly a few tears in our eyes to see those pesky little rug rats growing up. Wipe those tears and go collapse on the couch Moms & dads! DO IT! You earned that summer badge of honor. WE ARE SURVIVORS! 

And to "THAT" mom who got ragged on, girl you are my hero. My kids would never stand still for that picture. SELFIE!!!!!