A new kind of addiction.... And a new kind of dealing

Welcome to the first oily blogHOP!

We are so excited to have you here.

 

Make sure you keep your eyes peeled for little bottles of lemon as you read through the blog posts. At the end tally them up and you can enter a fun giveaway to win the Gentle Babies book by Debra Raybern, a total must have for Mom's with little ones.

 

If you have gone the whole way around the blog and found your way back here, go to http://www.theoilycrunchymama.com/blog/2014/8/28/lets-talk-allergies 

to enter the number of lemon bottles you counted on the whole blogHOP.

 

Entries will be accepted until 9AM (PST) on 8/29 winner will be selected at random on Sept 1st!

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Why essential oils Stephannie? For me... I relate to much of life through my senses. Smells particularly make me feel all kinds of things. Peppermint reminds me of cold winter mornings, cinnamon and spices reminds me of making applesauce with my mom, spearmint sends me back to hanging out with my girlfriends chewing gum in the car. 

For those who haven't heard yet I'm a recovering addict who works a strong 12 step program. The first time I went to my sponsors house she was steaming lavender essential oil and her house immediately felt comfortable and safe.  Since that meeting my stepwork book and journal have been heavily scented with lavender. Every time I open that book to do step work whether I'm at home or backpacking in the mountains I still smell lavendar and I'm immediately at peace like that first moment I walked into her home. It reminds me of a very personal and vulnerable night spent making a big decision with another human being- I wanted recovery. I wanted life. I wanted to feel again. 

Since that evening I have played around with the use of oils on my own skin for anxiety relief and head aches. I have successfully stopped taking my SSRI anxiety meds after 16 years and while those withdrawls were somethig else on my emotions, having my bottle of oils helped me manage the side effects. My son who is sensory sensitive has his own little bottle he rubs on his feet and hands as a method of comfort. Particularly when he's away from home it brings him a "sense" of security.

 (See what I did there)

When I saw a friend posting about all the smells from above and diffusing them in her house I felt like I needed to give it a go. I needed to see if this was something I could get into. I received my kit 3 days ago and it's basically been like a science experiment up in here. I'm having way too much fun walking down memory lane with all the smells I wrote about above and learning all I can about how to use these oils to keep my family healthy. 

My new addiction is oil. And now I'm a dealer of the goods. There will be no pressure from me to buy anything or sign up for anything. I'm doing this because I believe as a "smeller" of the world it was meant for me to experience. However, if you want to see what it's all about I'm here to help you make the right purchase for your specific needs. 

Because this post is part of a blog hop I invite you to visit this next blog to get more great ideas on how to use these amazing oils. At the bottom of this blog will be another and eventually you will make a full circle back here! Happy learning! 

http://www.theoilycrunchymama.com/blog

Here's to new beginnings with nostalgic smells! 

https://www.youngliving.com/signup/?site=US&sponsorid=2004929&enrollerid=2004929

Hey, I'm THAT mom!

This is my response to the recent blog titled "don't be that mom" .... I'm disappointed and once again ashamed of the lack of support we as moms feel from each other at times. I read that blog with high hopes. I saw that obviously staged photo of the joyous jumping mom and the sullen group of kids standing next to her. I believe I actually felt joy for that mom and perhaps a smidge looked forward to that moment of my own coming in just a couple of weeks. But then I read the article. The joy killing article about how we aren't supposed to be THAT mom. What the what?!?! Once again someone got a hold of an idea and used it to shame the hell out of all the moms out there who are doing the happy dance to celebrate the end of summer. 

Remember this commercial?

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fwcYbo7pjto

Me too. I remember laughing until tears were coming out of my eyeballs. My kids were pretty little at that time and I didn't fully grasp that concept but it was still freaking hilarious. I have this motto in life; If they make a movie, write a book or feature it on a tv series (today I include and add commercials) it must be real. It must mean I'm not the only one who has felt that way and quite honestly that's the best dam feeling in the world isn't it? To know you aren't alone in your awkward feelings. To feel less shame knowing you relate to something someone else has experienced felt or understood? YES! I live for those moments.

As it pertains to going back to school this was my first summer as a stay at home mom. It was everything I imagined. There was chaos, joy, tears, fighting, eye rolling, arguing, activities, boredom, too much tv, not enough me time and the house was a disaster. All of that happened by noon on day 2 of summer & that meant a shit ton more time of life needed to happen. I loved just about every minute of this summer with my kids. Ok, fine maybe not every moment.  But as it's winding down it's really easy for me to look backwards and see how much fun it actually was. But you know what else.... I'm so happy that in 1 week, 6 days and 9 hours all 5 of those munchkins will be tucked into their desks under the authority and love of their new teachers. And you know what else... They know it too. They know it because they feel the same way. When I told my 7 year old school was just under 2 weeks away he said these exact words "I'm so happy and excited I could cry right now"!!!! Me too buddy. Me too.

In school there is routine, bed time, regular chores, hot lunches and scheduled snacks, friends, the absence of parents breathing down their little tan sun kissed necks, activities, less tv, and did I mention routine. Kids and parents alike thrive off of that routine. We need school to be back in session so that by winter break we all miss each other and can handle another round of "OMG our mom isn't working and is trying to run this house like Pinterest and Activities on caffeine mania". Having the kids at school means I can fill my pinterest board with the next round of ideas and have just enough amnesia to think they will do it willingly, without eye rolling and joy in their hearts that I am home for them. 

My 11 year old did mutter under his breath recently " I just wish you still worked" as we were leaving the house singing camp songs I learned as a child. Just kidding, I was screaming at the kids because no one was listening and when we got to the park I sat in the car on my phone the whole time because why??? Because I needed a freaking break.

So cheers... to the kids and to the moms who like me are "Being THAT mom" and welcoming back the school year with open arms, and admittadly a few tears in our eyes to see those pesky little rug rats growing up. Wipe those tears and go collapse on the couch Moms & dads! DO IT! You earned that summer badge of honor. WE ARE SURVIVORS! 

And to "THAT" mom who got ragged on, girl you are my hero. My kids would never stand still for that picture. SELFIE!!!!!

How will I ever have fun again?

9 months ago I asked myself and even my husband that very question. I assumed at that point I was only having fun if I was drunk. I didn't call it drunk of course, I called it having a beer and I did it often. I pre partied the pre party to the pre party so that by the time the party started it was a real party. And by the time the party was over ... Well I don't remember that really. 

I got sober because my drunk turned out to not be funny or very much fun to the people around me.

After pouting around the house sober for the entire month of December I decided to give this fun thing a go. I was hell bent on faking it, I decided to use my new eyes with my same heart and find the fun in this new life. Moms, sisters, friends, aunts & people I knew did it every day. People who were "normies" and people who were addicts in recovery shared all their fun sober stories all the time. 

Mostly people didn't call them 

"sober stories"... Just stories. 

That's the thing about recovery - if you pay attention you learn really quick that you aren't special. Well YOU are special, but there's nothing special about your story. As I heard this message over and over, that other people felt like fun was out of the question once sober. I szarted to realize that MY story in fact was not very special, and maybe it was possible to have fun sober stories like all the others.

To mark my 9 months of a life I was so sure I would not have any fun living, I'm sharing with you some of my greatest moments of being dead wrong. I have laughed harder than I knew I could, louder and more obnoxiously than I knew possible, and that smile on my face  Is 100% genuine -100% of the time it's there. I now have the gift of feeling all the feelings. Sometimes that down right sucks, but the good times are better than anything imaginable because all of those feelings are real. 

1-I played in the snow with my kids. We were stuck in our house for 3 days and had serious cabin fever. We all almost killed each other and I felt every feeling in the book those three days. But when I saw the fun my kids had outside in the snow and decided to join them without an excuse to have a warm liquored up drink... I just laughed. I threw snow at them until there was a lot of crying and we had to go in. 

2- I went to my besties 40th birthday. I didn't drink. I gave her a lap dance. Oh it was embarrassing for her but you know what it wasn't???? Me falling all over the place not realizing it was time to stop a long time ago. 

 

3- I went away for my anniversary and melted chocolate all over the bed. Troy and I laughed hysterically and hid from the maids because we were sure they'd think one of us had pooped. So. Much. Laughing. Plus it beats getting drunk and actually pooping the bed. I'm not saying I've done that... I'm just saying that day could have come right?! 

 

4- I went on huge scary rides and laughed so hard I screamed and cried from the rush and excitement. This was a day that I will never ever forget ever. Ever. My stomach hurt from laughing so hard. 

 

5- I went to an entire girls weekend sober. Not only was I sober but these 8 incredible women who I refer to as "normies", went sober with me. It was more important for them to have my company than for me to cancel because I wasn't ready to be around alcohol yet. One of these ladies hadn't even met me yet. All of these ladies, whether I talk to them often or not are all my soul sisters now. They changed my life and my recovery during this weekend. They may never know the impact this experience and that group decision to make it a dry weekend had on me. 

 

6- I'm a party girl. So figuring out what to do on my birthday was going to be difficult. When I saw this run for a little niece of a friend with cancer that involved tu tus I knew it was meant for my crowd. So again with these incredible girlfriends and my husband all getting up early and running a beautiful 5k for a beautiful little girl. And tu tus!!!!!

 

7- I went backpacking and camping for the first time ever alcohol free.  Drum roll please... I really liked it. It was hard work hiking in with all those extra pounds on my back and my super durpy dog who tried to jump off the side of the mountain after every bug and animal in site. At the end of the trail when I'd normally have a cold one or 7, my reward was rest, stepwork and a lot of peaceful amazing conversation with my love in a freaking meadow.  (Which of course included so much laughing.) 

8- I ran a relay! This was my 5th overnight relay and the first where I didn't down a beer or 4 after any of my 3 legs that added up to 17 miles or in between when I needed sleep. Nope folks... This is genuine tired Stephie juice passed out from just plain running. I used this picture to show off my sense of humor these days. I could have picked the ones of me running, laughing and looking bad ass but this is the story of how much fun I'm having. So this seemed more fitting.

 

There were so many more experiences that I had this last 9 months. So much time spent alone, with my love, creating tighter bonds with my kids, nurturing amazing relationships with girlfriends and making new friends. Taking on a new job and many new projects within that job. Taking care of my mind, body & spirit thru stepwork, exercise and creating a relationship and plan with 

an incredible Doctor.

 When it gets hard, and it still does,  I just look back at the distance I've come 

rather than forward to see how much there is to go. 

Here's a short video of more of these moments. Yes that's Kanye West singing in the background. This song has a special dorky place in my heart.  http://flipagram.com/f/GKzp2Sae1K

A wise sole who has been in recovery for several years told me recently

 "It gets easier. And the rewards 

get more magical.

 The challenges are never what you expect. 

But the opportunity to squeeze two life stories

 into one walk on this earth is priceless."  

This is my motto. This is my truth. 

And this is how I am living my best life while having a shit ton of fun!

A real life break up letter... It's not you, it's me

7/23/14

Dear Anti Depressant,

I want you to know that the last 16 years with you has been life changing. We first met shortly after my daughter was born and I couldn't quite pull myself off the bathroom floor at 3am every morning when that screaming baby needed to eat again. I couldn't figure out how to manage life as a new mom or even as a mom at all. I was constantly sweating, crying, leaking milk and puting on a smile for the world to see how joyful this motherhood thing was, even though it wasn't, until I couldn't do it anymore.

My doctor introduced us & right away you were there for me. You didn't even have to say anything because just your presense made me feel whole again. It's not that you made me suddenly love the 3am feedings and the fact that my nipples were bleeding from incorrect nursing, but you made me feel like it was managable. The tears still came but my heart was in the moment and The feelings felt more like separate feelings rather than one giant black cloud of why am I still alive. 

When I figured out motherhood (Psh... who figures out motherhood) and as sweet baby girl got bigger and we both stopped crying as much you and I conquered the world. Together we survived my family moving out of state, separation, divorce, more babies, more marriage, more separation and more divorce. You even stuck by me thru my entire active addiction. And honestly that's kind of where things get a little sticky for us.

You see, every time my anxiety increased you did too. Doc said "You need more" and so more I took. Until there wasn't more of you to take. And when my anxiety was so too far out of control I couldn't wrap my head around it anymore & it was suggested I switch to a new kind of you. Your cousins were all in the line up but I remained faithful to and decided instead to cut out alcohol. So you held my hand through some of the hardest moments, days and months of my life. The ones where I got so real with myself that at some point I realized that maybe I don't actually need you anymore. I came to the realization that maybe all that anxiety I had now that the baby blues had cleared up was because of all the other things I was medicating my body with. Now that those were gone and I was finally dealing with reality it was time to deal with you.

As great as you have been there were a few red flags I'd like to point out that had me question our relationship along the way.

• I couldn't quit you. Literally. If I missed a dose you reminded me by sending these crazy electrical currents at a million watt voltage through my brain and body. My anxiety increased to a million times worse than anything I remember feeling to begin with and often ended in sobbing panic attacks in any given place at any given moment.
• You were a little bit controlling. The longer we spent time together the more you would want to be around. What started as a 15mg dosage increased over the years to the maximum dose of 60mg per day. Every time I tried to go down in dosage the previous complaint came back around. 
• I eventually felt lonely and helpless against your powers. Like I couldn't leave you. Like I couldn't do it with out you. You as a tiny little white pill small in diameter were controlling my daily life and this is when I knew it had to end.

I know that you are capable of great things and helping a great portion of this population suffering from anxiety and depression. I feel like we are just at two different places in our lives. I know that you will and probably already have moved on despite your lingering "hang over" like side effects looming in my brain after weaning off for 4 months and finally finishing 12 days ago. I know that you did great things for me and saw me through so much in life. This is why it's important to say - 

It's not you. It's me.

Thank you for 16 years of your time, co pays and reminders I had forgotten you at home on a vacation. Thank you for being my little white buddy through all the trials and thank you for helping me get to the other side of many life events. 

Please don't call, text, email or find me on any social networking site. I don't want to stay friends. 

I love you, I'm just not in love with you.  

Stephie Juice 

How To Not Be Fat

I'm a 36 year old American woman. It's safe to say I've tried every single diet, pill, exercise program and self punishing method possible to lose weight and look like the girls in the magazines.

 In the 90's besides straight up starving myself I used all the best ephedra pills before they were illegal, Tae Boe with Billy Blanks, Claudia Shaffers work out videos, and even some jazzercise. Later in the 2000's I'd move on from starving myself to bulimia, weight watchers, running, every gym membership known to man, hydroxy cut, calorie counting, calorie cutting, more weight watchers, more running, more videos, at home business products, 30 day challenges, eating clean, cabbage soup, cleanses, portion controls...you name it, I've done it. 

Since giving birth to my first child 16 years ago I have successfully ballooned up and down between 140-180. I'd like to say it's because none of these methods were working, but in reality a lot of them did work. I didn't work hard enough. Or long enough. Or eventually I just gave up. I'd find myself making one mistake or several in a row and instead of getting back on the horse I'd opt for standing in front of the fridge shoveling food in non stop.

In November of 2013 I completely gave up the bulimia. I hadn't really participated in that method for a few years but it would still sneak up on occasion. Bulimia is really more about that little voice in your head that says "failure" than it is about the weight loss. Bulimia is the evil devil on your shoulder that reminds you of the things you can't do right. When I surrendered to a sober life I decided that had to include this terribly unhealthy tactic. It wasn't that easy, there was and still is a lot of work involved in quieting that little devil but like the alcohol, it was necessary to get rid of. My clean and sober date includes purging and that is something I'm very proud of.

As I sit here at the doors of summer knocking I can't help but think of how the last several 30 and 90 day online challenges were a complete bust for me. I was supposed to be summer ready with the body I wanted by now according to those challenges. Alas, I am my own worst enemy and because I was so afraid of failing I self sabotaged and took myself out. "IT" wasn't working, but in reality I stopped working. So here I am thinking... wow that 150 pounds I was bitching about last fall sure looks good now that the scale says 180.

It was time to take a good hard look at what was and wasn't working, which is never easy. Here are the things I thought about: For the last 30 pound weight gain I have eaten some amazing food, continued to run 3 plus miles several times a week, kept up with my kids, stayed active at the gym, got sober, kept up an incredible GPA in school, got the help for me and my littlest little we needed, set healthy boundaries with a lot of people, started a blog and learned how to forgive myself for so many things... except for the detail that I couldn't pull it together enough to remain a size 8 or smaller.

What the actual hell is wrong with me? FORGIVE myself? For not being a size 8 or smaller? I did all of these hard things for the last 8 months that required so much of my many super powers and I'm stressed because I'm a size 14?  My husband sure doesn't mind, in fact I'm pretty sure he's more attracted to me with all this extra padding. I haven't had any friends say "well steph, now that you're a size -whatever- this friendship can't continue, give me a call when you make it back to a size 8".

I am active in my community of friends and interneting in stopping the body shaming game. Yet, I couldn't apply it to myself. SO.... now that I know this, what do I do? I can't just change 36 years of thinking. But just like I do with my recovery I have to go one step at a time. If I look too far down the road it's overwhelming so here's Stephie Juices new plan... on how to not be fat...

1. I bought clothes. Not fat clothes. Not bigger clothes. I went to Old Navy and bought clothes. Clothes that fit and feel good and that I like to wear. Shorts and summer tank tops kinds of clothes. The size may be a little higher numbered than the last but thank goodness they sell them even bigger. Because no matter what size I am, I deserve to feel comfortable, confident and at times , wait for it... Sexy :)
2. I will eat food I like. Sometimes it will have more calories in it. Sometimes it won't be in moderation. I will not deprive myself of food in an effort to continue to feel like shit about myself through body shaming at a smaller size. Because that will happen. I won't eat that cheese cake slice and then I'll be a size 8 still not eating cheese cake wishing I was a size 6. 
3. I will continue to go to the gym and get strong. I will do this because it's good for my heart and because it's often a time I spend laughing with my friends and kids. Better yet, because I like to surprise the hell out of people with my 9.5 minute miles. My legs and body are strong no matter what size they are. And who regrets going to the gym when they are done? 
4. I will stop using the "f" word like it's shameful. Fat Fat Fat Fat. We all have it, it doesn't mean we are it. Like the saying goes, you have fingernails you aren't fingernails :)
5. Unless you tell me you are working hard to lose weight I will not compliment you on your weight loss. Why? Because if I just randomly say to people "you look like youve lost weight" and they haven't been trying... it continues to put it out there that weight loss is what we want in this world. And what we really want, or at least what I really want, is to feel good in my own skin.
6. I won't actively work to gain weight, but I will actively work to feel good inside about the things I have accomplished. I might miss the message if I don't. I worked so dam hard this year for so many things (listed above). Everytime I bitched in my head about my weight and how I failed at the last plan, I missed the opportunity to celebrate some of that amazingness. 
7. When I forget everything above I will pray about it, hand it over and move on. Period. I have already proven I'm not good at this letting go and not body shaming business, so if I hand it over to someone else it can stop being my problem :) 

We only get to do this once. How can we expect anyone else to love us if we don't love ourselves? If we don't truly love ourselves and recognize in us what exists. Who I am is more important than what weight I am.

And this is how I will start not being fat. 

The Moments we Live For

This week I attended an event where I was recognized for my hard work in school. I know most of you who are reading this know that because I haven't shut up about it. I'm excited on a million levels because I didn't just get amazing grades... For a couple of hours a voice shut off inside me that hasn't been silent in ... Well I have no idea how long.

The voice that said I couldn't do it. 

The voice that reminded me in high school I was voted most likely to drop out of college. Joke or not it was printed in our senior paper. It has stuck with me for nearly 20 years. 

The voice of my ex husband who called me "nothing but a college drop out" or "a lying attention seeker" in his nicest hour and a "slut" at his worst.  

The voice who only remembers the times I've been short tempered at bed time when the kids get up for the 500th time because they "have a question" and I go to bed feeling like all I did was make their life hard. 

The voice whose heart is breaking amidst her own family drama trying to figure out what I can do different and how I can be everything to everyone and still be me. 

The voice that reminds me all the time that just because you got an A this time doesn't mean shit. Any minute now they will figure you out and that A will be an F. 

The voice that second guesses everything I've done in my life. 

The one that says of course you got 6 months sober. You fucked it up. You should never have gotten so out of control. 

The voice that has an excuse and a reason to dismiss anything and everything worth celebrating. 

The voice that says I will and can't be anything. That I'm too fat after a childhood of being too skinny. That I said it in the wrong tone or with the wrong expression. That I say too much to too many people and not enough to others. That it's too hard, too fast, too slow, too scary, too expensive too too too too...

For one hour it was perfect and quiet. 

All of the sudden in the middle of it all I realized in this room full of people all that existed was me and my 3 proud kids. And this was our moment. After years of me doing my best for them and constantly disappointing myself I looked at them beaming at me while I stood with my rose and my candle and I started crying. Ugly crying.  As I walked back to my seat my kids were perfectly still, smiling, reaching out to hug me and taking pictures. It was our moment. And that voice knew it. 

As the audience erupted into applause the speaker announced cake and within moments my boys were fist fighting and my girl was wandering and life came back full force. 

I have searched for this silence for months. Thru sobriety, meditation, yoga, running, writing, step work, counseling, sleeping and anything plus everything in between. I would pay and do anything for this to go away and I earned it by being me. 

What does your voice tell you? When are we enough for ourselves? When do we put down our walls and allow ourselves the grace and congratulations we deserve?

Tonight I realized its time for me to set my own stage. To allow myself the victories. To drown out the voice and take in the moments. Before it's too late... Create your stage. 

Late that night when looking thru the pictures my girl took of all the amazing feelings and events that happened, I found this one. This is right when my eyes welled up with tears. This was THAT moment I talked about above, when I realized I had it all. Someone was looking out for me & wanted me to remember this moment forever.

Message received.

Dear 35- Go home, you're drunk....

 

Dear 35...

Right here in this picture, you are already too drunk. Don't worry you will have several more on this night and you will have a good time. Right about now you know in your own head alone, you have a problem but you're just going to go ahead and keep going hard for about 6 more months before you stop.

35 is going to both kick your ass and be kick ass. Here are a few highlights. 

• You realized early on you had a problem and that was scary. So you went ahead and ignored it by making it worse for about 6 more months. That's ok, because you survived it THIS TIME. You will learn how lucky you are because there were moments you weren't even sure that surviving was something you wanted. This will surprise the hell out of a lot of people because that happy face you put on is a bit of a trickster. 

• You will learn the meaning of asshole. You will have first hand experience at acting like one, being one and living that behavior. You will have a new appreciation for some of the assholes who left because it turns out, that just like you, they weren't assholes all the time. They were human. They gave you good things. And it was just time to move on. 

• You will forgive deeply. Yourself. The others. YOURSELF. First the shame and the guilt. Then all the forgiveness. 

• You will stop the lying. You will become the opposite of a liar and will tell the world your story. And because of your honestly you will connect with people who need you. They don't realize yet how much their story is doing the same for you because it took a while for you to understand that concept. But together you will kick ass in sober land.

• You will leave your job of 14 years at a large corporation to be a stay at home mom. You will realize quickly being a stay at home mom, is not staying at home at all. It should be called "stay away from home because you're now the personal assistant for the family" mom. You love it. You love every second of it. 

• You aren't a good housekeeper or a good cook. You now know this because the excuse of "I work and don't really have time" goes out the window and the house is still a mess. Plus your kids will say things like "Do we ever eat anything besides pizza and spaghetti".  But you're going to go ahead and just embrace that shit because there is way too much fun to be had in this world to spend it house keeping and cooking. 

• You will realize and then forget and then realize and then forget that your husband kicks a whole lot of ass. Because this whole list and more is what he has to put up with. And he still loves you through it. He is your biggest cheerleader. He is your forever. And though you always knew that... all of this will show you both how much love truly conquers all. 

YOU HAVE THE MOST INCREDIBLE SUPPORT SYSTEM IN THE WORLD! PERIOD!

• OMG you are totally going to finally start that blog you have been talking about starting. In fact, you're doing it right now. 

• Running and diet really do help anxiety. I know, we tried to deny it for years. We wanted a magic pill but the magic pills didn't work. They in fact did a little bit more damage than expected.

• You are going to learn that even 5.5 months into sobriety you are still going to have days where all you want is a drink. And you want to be able to do it like your friends. Or like you used to. You can taste, smell and feel the warmness of a good IPA. But you know what that life looks like. And you will take another 24 with the support of your people. In and out of the program.

• Gratitude. You will learn your own true definition of gratitude. Not the one in Websters, Wikipedia, Google or even the Urban Dictionary. Your very own special meaning of gratitude. You won't ever really be able to define it because it changes almost every day and sometimes multiple times a day. Your gratitude is your life. And your list grows with every single good, bad and indifferent experience.

So drink away sweet 35 year old Stephie. The inside hurts right now but in 6 months you are going to do the bravest, scariest, hardest thing you have ever done. You are going to ask for help. You are going to make amends. You are going to move forward and though it's not going to always feel good or be easy, you are going to start living life on lifes terms. And that will be the greatest gift you can give birthday #36!