The Moments we Live For

This week I attended an event where I was recognized for my hard work in school. I know most of you who are reading this know that because I haven't shut up about it. I'm excited on a million levels because I didn't just get amazing grades... For a couple of hours a voice shut off inside me that hasn't been silent in ... Well I have no idea how long.

The voice that said I couldn't do it. 

The voice that reminded me in high school I was voted most likely to drop out of college. Joke or not it was printed in our senior paper. It has stuck with me for nearly 20 years. 

The voice of my ex husband who called me "nothing but a college drop out" or "a lying attention seeker" in his nicest hour and a "slut" at his worst.  

The voice who only remembers the times I've been short tempered at bed time when the kids get up for the 500th time because they "have a question" and I go to bed feeling like all I did was make their life hard. 

The voice whose heart is breaking amidst her own family drama trying to figure out what I can do different and how I can be everything to everyone and still be me. 

The voice that reminds me all the time that just because you got an A this time doesn't mean shit. Any minute now they will figure you out and that A will be an F. 

The voice that second guesses everything I've done in my life. 

The one that says of course you got 6 months sober. You fucked it up. You should never have gotten so out of control. 

The voice that has an excuse and a reason to dismiss anything and everything worth celebrating. 

The voice that says I will and can't be anything. That I'm too fat after a childhood of being too skinny. That I said it in the wrong tone or with the wrong expression. That I say too much to too many people and not enough to others. That it's too hard, too fast, too slow, too scary, too expensive too too too too...

For one hour it was perfect and quiet. 

All of the sudden in the middle of it all I realized in this room full of people all that existed was me and my 3 proud kids. And this was our moment. After years of me doing my best for them and constantly disappointing myself I looked at them beaming at me while I stood with my rose and my candle and I started crying. Ugly crying.  As I walked back to my seat my kids were perfectly still, smiling, reaching out to hug me and taking pictures. It was our moment. And that voice knew it. 

As the audience erupted into applause the speaker announced cake and within moments my boys were fist fighting and my girl was wandering and life came back full force. 

I have searched for this silence for months. Thru sobriety, meditation, yoga, running, writing, step work, counseling, sleeping and anything plus everything in between. I would pay and do anything for this to go away and I earned it by being me. 

What does your voice tell you? When are we enough for ourselves? When do we put down our walls and allow ourselves the grace and congratulations we deserve?

Tonight I realized its time for me to set my own stage. To allow myself the victories. To drown out the voice and take in the moments. Before it's too late... Create your stage. 

Late that night when looking thru the pictures my girl took of all the amazing feelings and events that happened, I found this one. This is right when my eyes welled up with tears. This was THAT moment I talked about above, when I realized I had it all. Someone was looking out for me & wanted me to remember this moment forever.

Message received.

Dear 35- Go home, you're drunk....

 

Dear 35...

Right here in this picture, you are already too drunk. Don't worry you will have several more on this night and you will have a good time. Right about now you know in your own head alone, you have a problem but you're just going to go ahead and keep going hard for about 6 more months before you stop.

35 is going to both kick your ass and be kick ass. Here are a few highlights. 

• You realized early on you had a problem and that was scary. So you went ahead and ignored it by making it worse for about 6 more months. That's ok, because you survived it THIS TIME. You will learn how lucky you are because there were moments you weren't even sure that surviving was something you wanted. This will surprise the hell out of a lot of people because that happy face you put on is a bit of a trickster. 

• You will learn the meaning of asshole. You will have first hand experience at acting like one, being one and living that behavior. You will have a new appreciation for some of the assholes who left because it turns out, that just like you, they weren't assholes all the time. They were human. They gave you good things. And it was just time to move on. 

• You will forgive deeply. Yourself. The others. YOURSELF. First the shame and the guilt. Then all the forgiveness. 

• You will stop the lying. You will become the opposite of a liar and will tell the world your story. And because of your honestly you will connect with people who need you. They don't realize yet how much their story is doing the same for you because it took a while for you to understand that concept. But together you will kick ass in sober land.

• You will leave your job of 14 years at a large corporation to be a stay at home mom. You will realize quickly being a stay at home mom, is not staying at home at all. It should be called "stay away from home because you're now the personal assistant for the family" mom. You love it. You love every second of it. 

• You aren't a good housekeeper or a good cook. You now know this because the excuse of "I work and don't really have time" goes out the window and the house is still a mess. Plus your kids will say things like "Do we ever eat anything besides pizza and spaghetti".  But you're going to go ahead and just embrace that shit because there is way too much fun to be had in this world to spend it house keeping and cooking. 

• You will realize and then forget and then realize and then forget that your husband kicks a whole lot of ass. Because this whole list and more is what he has to put up with. And he still loves you through it. He is your biggest cheerleader. He is your forever. And though you always knew that... all of this will show you both how much love truly conquers all. 

YOU HAVE THE MOST INCREDIBLE SUPPORT SYSTEM IN THE WORLD! PERIOD!

• OMG you are totally going to finally start that blog you have been talking about starting. In fact, you're doing it right now. 

• Running and diet really do help anxiety. I know, we tried to deny it for years. We wanted a magic pill but the magic pills didn't work. They in fact did a little bit more damage than expected.

• You are going to learn that even 5.5 months into sobriety you are still going to have days where all you want is a drink. And you want to be able to do it like your friends. Or like you used to. You can taste, smell and feel the warmness of a good IPA. But you know what that life looks like. And you will take another 24 with the support of your people. In and out of the program.

• Gratitude. You will learn your own true definition of gratitude. Not the one in Websters, Wikipedia, Google or even the Urban Dictionary. Your very own special meaning of gratitude. You won't ever really be able to define it because it changes almost every day and sometimes multiple times a day. Your gratitude is your life. And your list grows with every single good, bad and indifferent experience.

So drink away sweet 35 year old Stephie. The inside hurts right now but in 6 months you are going to do the bravest, scariest, hardest thing you have ever done. You are going to ask for help. You are going to make amends. You are going to move forward and though it's not going to always feel good or be easy, you are going to start living life on lifes terms. And that will be the greatest gift you can give birthday #36!

Gratitudy Gratitude

In celebration of my 5 months of doing the next right thing, getting thru each just for today & making it right here, right now by being in the solution...

 Imma go ahead and share my gratitude list with ya'll. 

  I still struggle today. I am stronger, dam I am so much stronger than that broken girl 5 months ago. But every single day I make a choice not to pick up, sometimes several times a day.  1 drink today will look much different 5 more months down the road. And let's be honest I already did that thing where I made an exception and pushed limits and boundaries until I hit the bottom of the pavement floor hard. So ... No More "Just One Beer" for Stephie Juice.

1 is too many and 1000 is NEVER enough :)

April 6, 2014 Gratitude List

1. My People: The ones who inhabit my home. The littles who celebrate me and the husband who adores me. The ones who have literally seen me broken and lift me up every single day. My hubs who has gone thru every emotional moment of this with me and still he's here with me. Never once ready to pack up and leave. And every moment supporting me continuing to stay home and go to school.
2. My Blood: Mama, Daddy & sisters. Who push me. Literally & figuratively.
3. My Homies: The ones who have been there. Even when they haven't been right here. They've been there. And they know who they are. 
4. My recovery group: The program, the people, my sponsor, the service work, the books. The acceptance and the love. The confirmation that one addict helping another is what it's all about.
5. This here blog. Where people make a choice to read it.
6. My new job!!!!! 
7. The ability to make a choice whether I want to run or not. 1 mile, 3 miles or not at all.
8. My health. 
9. School. Even if I feel super dum today because I'm super confused. I get to be there.
10. People from my past. Because at some point it was exactly what I wanted and I couldn't be right here right now without those valuable lessons. (Please remind me of this later)
11. Laughter and a sense of humor. I can pretty much find it in any situation. And though it was broken for a little bit I had numbers 1,2,3 & 4 above reminding me to do it. 
12. My bottom. I like my butt. It's one of the only things I like.
13. My other bottom. Who knows where the hell I'd be right now if I hadn't hit it so hard.
14. My luxuries. This includes my home, car, food and makeup. Yep. Those are my luxuries.
15.  I have everything to live for and everything to lose, and I am grateful to be clear headed in this moment right now refusing to take it for granted.

And with that... I will take another 24 :)

-If you or someone you know needs help with any kind or form of addiction please reach out to me so I can point you in the right direction. You are not alone.

11 Crazy ways I know I'm doing it right!

I have read so many blogs lately titled "10 Things"... to say to your kid, to build your child's confidence, to do instead of yelling, to say I love you to your kids... etc etc etc. I love my kids. I adore them to itty bitty pieces. AND THEY DRIVE ME CRAZY! More people should talk about how their kids make them crazy and how as parents we occasionally, or often, make mistakes. Even in those mistakes our children are loved, adored, happy, confident and feel complete in our family. So for your pleasure, and with pictures included I give you:

11 crazy ways I know I'm DOING IT RIGHT!

1- When they are sick we take care of them. Even when we clean up their blue puke from the ice cream and we dry heave, eyes watering and we hate every second of it. Even when they ask for a wet towel that will likely be shoved behind the couch and mold before we remember it's there.

You're doing it right if you do whatever it takes to make them feel better.

2- I'm doing it right... when I get to the doctor after days of "should we go? Should we go now?" He's been laying around, with a fever, that cough is worse... then we get to the clinic and it's all energy and smiles.  

If your kid goes crazy at the doctor making you look like a liar, YOU ARE DOING IT RIGHT!

 

3- When my boys express themselves in a way that makes them confident and comfortable I'm doing it right. Yep my boys wear cheetah/zebra sleep masks. One of them went through a phase where he wanted to be just like his big sister so he wore only pink rain boots with hearts. Both my boys have gone through a phase where the only thing they wore out of the house to the farmers market and grocery store were old Halloween costumes. I have ran errands with an alligator, pirate, Batman, knight, Spiderman and did I mention alligator? 

You're doing it right if your babies wear some cray cray shiz and you know it's just a phase. 

(Note in the picture below, Little one went through a phase where he wore one motorcycle glove Michael Jackson style)

 

4- You're doing it right if you teach your kids all the best moves. Running man, roger rabbit, raise the roof & clicky heals. Straight up you've been served on South Park style. It's fun. And it embarrasses the hell out of them. Which is even more proof you're doing it right.

 

5- You go to the library and check out the books they want to read. Sometimes it's a book on worms (ask me anything about worms, I can tell you), sometimes it's the same dam book you've read a hundred thousand times (if I have to read "Butter Battle Book" one more time) and sometimes it's a Bieber Fever book. 

Oh... And you always return them late meaning your kids library card generally has a minimum fine amount of $12. 

If you're kid has a constant fine due at the library and they don't even drive, 

YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT!

 

6-  You're doing it right if Your kids duke it out in public, And now instead of breaking it up, you take pictures first. Because one of them is in his pajamas in public too. And that's my life right there. 

7- You're doing it right when your kid writes out his first two words without asking for help.  

Even though they aren't the words you would choose, who am I kidding I love that he picked "boob" & "poop",  you take a picture and blast it on the social networking site of your choice. 

You do this because "OMG! He did it on his own!" And that in itself is a miracle. 

     

8- You're doing it right if you do whatever it takes to  get your kids on the bus with a smile. Including circus tricks, sweet dance moves, opera singing, gangsta rap & setting up the over sized stuffed animal in the window. It feels creepy and looks creepy but its what worked. This time. 

 

8- You're doing it right if when a skunk invades camp & you make your 16 year old get rid of it so you can snap pics of your sweet little mama's boys after they jumped on the table. 

They thought it was a bear. 

 

9- You're doing it right if you break the rules once in a while. It doesn't seem fair that everyone else gets to ride the water slide just because they can swim. So you wait at the bottom of the slide and sneakily keep the little from drowning at the bottom. 

9- You're doing it right if you've counted out 100 items , countless times for the 100th day of school. And you loathe it. It's exhausting and annoying and you still do it the 5th time around.

 

10- You're doing it right if  countless hours you can never get back 

have been spent at the giant mouse of chaos. 

At some point you realize this means 5 minutes to yourself. And shortly after the 15th meltdown you begin to realize you just spent $50 for a 10 cent prize and a headache. So the 5 minutes is no longer worth it. AND YOU KEEP COMING BACK!

 

11- You're doing it right if you do everything you can to bring them joy. Even though ten minutes after this picture was taken there was screaming, yelling and tears... And that was just from me, the moments of peace and joy is what we live for. Batman, banana boy and their 3 sisters are worth every bit of it. Usually. But that's why most of us parents are getting therapy. 

 

 I promise you you're making mistakes. I also promise, and I've said this before, the thing you think you're doing to screw up your kids is not the thing that's screwing them up. We don't actually know what that thing is until they are in their 20's and lay it all out like a cold hard truth. My mom always thought it was her lack of patience with me as a single mom but it was actually the fact that she made me clean my bathroom . The nerve. You got this moms and dads. YOU GOT THIS!

Why I told the world my dirty little secret...

There was a time not so long ago that I was a very secretive person. I know, me secretive? CRAZY RIGHT?! Not necessarily about everything but about some very important things. In October I decided to share my secrets with some people who are very close to me and who love me very much. Then in November I decided to share a little bit with the world, well Facebook. I let the world know that I was in fact an addict and was seeking recovery.

Because it was so secretive and I worked so hard to keep it that way for way too long it was confusing and difficult for some people to understand. I have heard that I made some people question their own decisions because from what they could tell, we shared the same patterns and hobbies at what appeared to be the same frequency. Some people have even flat out told me that I'm not an alcoholic/addict which is interesting for a multitude of reasons.

There are many details of my life and addiction that I'm not willing to discuss. I'm just over four months into this new life and the tell all book will take a few more years to come out, IF EVER. But there are a few key components I want to share with you because as I have learned in this process, I AM NOT ALONE. And if I'm not alone in my feelings and in my recovery, then I also couldn't be the only secret addict out there RIGHT? Here are three reasons I told my secret. 

1- I was scared. Scared of where I was, scared of what you would think, scared to quit & scared to keep going. I assumed the worst would happen. Whatever you're thinking is the worst ... I magnified it by 1000. But one quote that has forever stuck with me that got me thru those private conversations with my loved ones and into that first meeting & when I "came out" on Facebook... "Secrets lose their powers once told"- Mya Angelou. 

I did lose friends. I left friends. And a lot of people were disappointed in me. But here I am 4 months later showing myself I can do this just for today. And all those things I was terrified of weren't nearly as difficult as if I had kept going. 

2- There is no greater power than one addict helping another. Period. No matter your drug of choice: alcohol, heroine, pills, meth... I can hear it. Because our journey may be different, our experiences may seem worlds apart, our stories may be on a different timeline BUT I have felt the feelings of shame, fear and guilt. I have been to my bottom. And even if our bottoms look different (literally and figuratively), it feels similar. Overwhelming with darkness and fear. Darkness and fear is a recipe for disaster for the still suffering addict. The bravest thing you can do is ask for help. One of the best things I have heard in a meeting is "try it for at least 30 days and if you don't like it we can refund your misery".Genious. 

If you are here and you don't know what to do next, ask. I did just exactly that. I reached out to someone open about their recovery and asked what to do. Rarely do I talk to this person and still I think they may have helped save my joy in life. Maybe even my life. 

3- I need support. I need to be encouraged. I need the high five when I accomplish something. It's a human need that many of us have. I know it's confusing because I hid so much of my addiction from the world. I was functioning in an amazing job with a lot of friends, and an incredible family who I have a ton of gratitude for when I dropped the "I have a problem" conversation on. Please don't feel obligated to encourage me just know that when I tell the world about an accomplishment it's not to seek attention it's to seek encouragement. 

Finally I want to share the following little video that I'd encourage you to watch if you have just a few minutes. Even the first few minutes are amazing. It may change your outlook and it may just change your life. 

http://www.ted.com/talks/ash_beckham_we_re_all_hiding_something_let_s_find_the_courage_to_open_up

I have so much Gratitude for all the people who are accepting, encouraging and supporting me. Thank you for reading this blog. Starting a blog was on my bucket list for years, and it took getting sober to also get courageous enough to finally do it. I guess telling the world you're secret will do that. ;) 

How Womens Studies Changed My Life

In honor of Women's Day 2014 I've decided to swallow my pride and admit I was wrong. That's pretty big stuff for me. I'm on a campaign of being right in my life and so me saying I'm wrong is like ... Well... Saying I'm wrong. But I am.

I signed up for women's studies expecting a few things:
1- to understand my sisters interpretation of the world as an active feminist
2- to get my humanities credits
3- and to receive what I thought would be an easy A.
 I felt going into this class I already had a good handle on my feminist ways. Of course I believe in women's rights. I always taught my kids to use the word vagina. And I totally would have voted for Hillary Clinton. Now if you're a feminist don't worry... I'm not still this ignorant. 

The first few weeks of class made me crazy. I wanted to punch so many women in the face for acting so victimy. I'm sorry your childhood sucked and yeah...men can be real dicks, but so are you... Are just a few things that crossed my mind. "Like I'm not a part of a few statistics but you don't hear me whining like a little vagina do you?" (This thought actually went thru my judgy little head)  I'd leave class so angry that I paid money to sit thru this class for an entire term. 

The moment it changed for me it really changed my life. Around week 5 I just decided to go into class and accept everything I heard. I would Listen for the lesson. And guess what the hell happened ???  I got slapped in the face with a big fat lesson. And they were all lessons I was a preacher of in real life.
1-Here I was judging and victimizing myself to people who were being judgy and victimy. Ummmmm helloooooo Stephie Juice. You're doing what you were publicly screaming you hated.

2- I constantly preach about supporting each other. How especially as women, moms, sister, wives, ex wives and every other role we owe it to each other to listen and respect each others struggles even if we don't get it because if we won't do it for others, how can we expect people to do it for us.

So for the rest of the quarter I put down my boxing gloves, stepped off my soap box and made a conscious decision to just listen and respect the women in my class. Respect each others journey in hopes we all make it out stronger and better for where we have been.

The learning letters of the quarter were P- for patience. L- for listen.
And S- for shut the hell up Steph, it's not all about you.

Too Many Loud Voices

It's been a rough one. Today was one of THOSE days that didn't start out that way but slowly found myself on the downhill slope to cray cray town. I intended to write my post tonight about my struggling addict who screamed at me all afternoon over the voice that reminded me I have 111 days. 

I will never drink again. I know this not with a cocky attitude but with a confident one. I made a decision 111 days ago that I intend to see thru the rest of my life. But that doesn't mean it's easy. 

My day was only beginning when the voice came back. It said "a drink sounds nice don't it stephy?"...  My addict voice doesn't always use the best grammar. My addict reminded me of what a shitty mom I am. And how I let so many people down when I outed my secrets. How much hurt and damage I did to others and myself. But alas my addict wasn't the loudest voice today. 

My 7 year old was. It all started when he was hungry. It's amazing how this child hungry turns into something so angry and mean in ten seconds flat. I tried to sit thru my older sons basketball practice where I'm so awe inspired by another mom and her patience and calming voice with her autistic son. She obviously has years of practice and probably doesn't even know I'm staring at her for good reasons- hanging on her every word, so envious while my son head butts me continuously. I end up having to drag, literally drag, my 7 year old out to the car where on the way he kicks me so hard I now have a welt on my left ankle. He does that dead weight thing toddlers do during tantrums and because he's 7 it turns into more of a calorie burning workout drag thing, than a carry. For 30 minutes he screams in my face in the car about how he hates me because I'm mean. I'm mean? I do this deep breathing exercise and remind myself it will pass... I try to remember what he must be feeling inside is ten thousand times worse than what I'm experiencing on my end. Now I've been told, by several people, that a good spanking is what he needs. And that's all I'm going to say about that. Please don't go there with me. I assure you it's not. 

By the time we get home he's calm and apologizing then goes to his room for time out consequences. And I'm left crying. Again. When my 15 year old comes and says "mama, go take a bath and relax. Read a book. I got this"... And I cry even harder. Because I forgot two things:

1- it's ok to ask for help

2- my addict was silenced by my 7 year old. Even that grammar crazy addict has nothing to say to him sometimes. 

Most importantly I remembered... It's going to be ok. 

Remember my peeps ... It's always going to be ok. Enter profound famous quote here. 

One more just for today in the books.