In the 90's besides straight up starving myself I used all the best ephedra pills before they were illegal, Tae Boe with Billy Blanks, Claudia Shaffers work out videos, and even some jazzercise. Later in the 2000's I'd move on from starving myself to bulimia, weight watchers, running, every gym membership known to man, hydroxy cut, calorie counting, calorie cutting, more weight watchers, more running, more videos, at home business products, 30 day challenges, eating clean, cabbage soup, cleanses, portion controls...you name it, I've done it.
Since giving birth to my first child 16 years ago I have successfully ballooned up and down between 140-180. I'd like to say it's because none of these methods were working, but in reality a lot of them did work. I didn't work hard enough. Or long enough. Or eventually I just gave up. I'd find myself making one mistake or several in a row and instead of getting back on the horse I'd opt for standing in front of the fridge shoveling food in non stop.
In November of 2013 I completely gave up the bulimia. I hadn't really participated in that method for a few years but it would still sneak up on occasion. Bulimia is really more about that little voice in your head that says "failure" than it is about the weight loss. Bulimia is the evil devil on your shoulder that reminds you of the things you can't do right. When I surrendered to a sober life I decided that had to include this terribly unhealthy tactic. It wasn't that easy, there was and still is a lot of work involved in quieting that little devil but like the alcohol, it was necessary to get rid of. My clean and sober date includes purging and that is something I'm very proud of.
As I sit here at the doors of summer knocking I can't help but think of how the last several 30 and 90 day online challenges were a complete bust for me. I was supposed to be summer ready with the body I wanted by now according to those challenges. Alas, I am my own worst enemy and because I was so afraid of failing I self sabotaged and took myself out. "IT" wasn't working, but in reality I stopped working. So here I am thinking... wow that 150 pounds I was bitching about last fall sure looks good now that the scale says 180.
It was time to take a good hard look at what was and wasn't working, which is never easy. Here are the things I thought about: For the last 30 pound weight gain I have eaten some amazing food, continued to run 3 plus miles several times a week, kept up with my kids, stayed active at the gym, got sober, kept up an incredible GPA in school, got the help for me and my littlest little we needed, set healthy boundaries with a lot of people, started a blog and learned how to forgive myself for so many things... except for the detail that I couldn't pull it together enough to remain a size 8 or smaller.
What the actual hell is wrong with me? FORGIVE myself? For not being a size 8 or smaller? I did all of these hard things for the last 8 months that required so much of my many super powers and I'm stressed because I'm a size 14? My husband sure doesn't mind, in fact I'm pretty sure he's more attracted to me with all this extra padding. I haven't had any friends say "well steph, now that you're a size -whatever- this friendship can't continue, give me a call when you make it back to a size 8".
I am active in my community of friends and interneting in stopping the body shaming game. Yet, I couldn't apply it to myself. SO.... now that I know this, what do I do? I can't just change 36 years of thinking. But just like I do with my recovery I have to go one step at a time. If I look too far down the road it's overwhelming so here's Stephie Juices new plan... on how to not be fat...
- I bought clothes. Not fat clothes. Not bigger clothes. I went to Old Navy and bought clothes. Clothes that fit and feel good and that I like to wear. Shorts and summer tank tops kinds of clothes. The size may be a little higher numbered than the last but thank goodness they sell them even bigger. Because no matter what size I am, I deserve to feel comfortable, confident and at times , wait for it... Sexy :)
- I will eat food I like. Sometimes it will have more calories in it. Sometimes it won't be in moderation. I will not deprive myself of food in an effort to continue to feel like shit about myself through body shaming at a smaller size. Because that will happen. I won't eat that cheese cake slice and then I'll be a size 8 still not eating cheese cake wishing I was a size 6.
- I will continue to go to the gym and get strong. I will do this because it's good for my heart and because it's often a time I spend laughing with my friends and kids. Better yet, because I like to surprise the hell out of people with my 9.5 minute miles. My legs and body are strong no matter what size they are. And who regrets going to the gym when they are done?
- I will stop using the "f" word like it's shameful. Fat Fat Fat Fat. We all have it, it doesn't mean we are it. Like the saying goes, you have fingernails you aren't fingernails :)
- Unless you tell me you are working hard to lose weight I will not compliment you on your weight loss. Why? Because if I just randomly say to people "you look like youve lost weight" and they haven't been trying... it continues to put it out there that weight loss is what we want in this world. And what we really want, or at least what I really want, is to feel good in my own skin.
- I won't actively work to gain weight, but I will actively work to feel good inside about the things I have accomplished. I might miss the message if I don't. I worked so dam hard this year for so many things (listed above). Everytime I bitched in my head about my weight and how I failed at the last plan, I missed the opportunity to celebrate some of that amazingness.
- When I forget everything above I will pray about it, hand it over and move on. Period. I have already proven I'm not good at this letting go and not body shaming business, so if I hand it over to someone else it can stop being my problem :)
And this is how I will start not being fat.
